Even In A Funk....He loves me.

So I was...am still a bit frustrated.....but I have stayed away from any bridges. =)

This place is so challenging. I see the funk rising to the top of my heart. I know I need to humble myself before the Lord....for several reasons. It's just so hard....I honestly have the worst attitude...and I know it. I think the most amazing thing...the one thing that I cling to....is that in this funk ---CHRIST LOVES ME. Right here...where I am..the me who has not been reading her Bible like she should....not praying near enough.....having no patience for her co workers....the not caring girl---He still loves. When I am...and many a times I am faithless.....Oh how He is so so so so faithful.
I'm so irritated with me...it's in places like this that I see what I'm made of...and it's really ugly lately. This is a time for me to press in....not give up, run--there's no where to run anyway, or my most recent choice a bit of rebellion. I know it in my head....I really need it to flow to my heart. God is so good and gracious...inspite of me...and this bad attitude. I have never ever deserved such a love like His.
There truly is good news to be shared here.....He is working on my heart and there are things to be thankful for....I must stop to say... thank you to any person who has lifted me up in prayer. I believe that is what is making a difference. I give all glory to God for anything good that happens in my heart or life. Just in the past two days I have begun to see God open up some options.
I really thought a few post ago....that I would end up pursuing my real estate license, but when I sat down several times to sign up for the classes online and pay...I just couldn't do it. I even told my boss at our agency--I'm going to do it--thinking it would motivate me.....and then I'd just have to do it. ahaha....I could NOT do it. I had been thinking of how well I could do in this field...how I can talk to almost anyone...and I love to help people. So I was again frustrated when it didn't make any sense....until it came to me last night when I was spending time with my friend Melinda. I realized that for me to feel used....it's more than just making a connection with someone....I feel most used if I can make an impact in their life...on their heart. Real estate definitely lets you connect with someone....but just because you sell or lease them a building doesn't mean you have a chance to really make a difference in their life...or even get close to their heart. I have watched these meetings go down. It's business as usual.
I also realized from spending time with Melinda's awesome kids how much I miss impacting kids lives. I can just connect with them...it such a precious thing. No....this is not the part where I tell you I am going to teach again!! I just can't jump back on that ride. ..but I can tell you God has used some dear friendships to encourage me to not give up...to persevere to this place. The past few days God's been using Melinda and Jamie from NC. Jamie I can't thank you enough for pointing me back to speech pathology. Your thougths and wisdom have given me hope...to go back down a path I had pretty much written off. I am checking into getting my speech pathology assistant's license. That would be so amazing because I wouldn't have to go back to school...but in the midst of not wanting to go back....I have actually been entertaining the thought of going back. =) I have always wanted to finish my degree at some point...but I haven't been very confident I could do it. The timing may be right now...it is certainly the perfect time of year to try getting into grad school. The only awful part is the GRE....but I looked at some things on line....and I actually became hopeful. For me...this will take some major courage. I have battled so many negative thoughts in my head already. It will be one of the greatest challenges since I got emergency certified to teach...now that was crazy--doing my first year of teaching..taking classes..grading papers... and trying to pass both exit tests. Obviously I lived to tell about it and I passed both tests the first time!
I am going to keep praying for God to keep moving me in the right direction. The idea of making a difference in kids lives...as in helping and encouraging them in a weakness could be so amazing. As we all know anything really good in life....cost something.....but in the end it is so worth it. I'm going to head down this road and see where it takes me. I see several different opportunitues that could open up and for the first time in a long while....I am so excited to see which ones do! =)