After the heart.....

I am content in this limbo place....I feel my heart has finally quieted down a bit. That's what He has surely been after...my heart. It's so neat how God will bring different people accross my path just to get to speak into it. Since too many times I am running....He finds ways to speak to me right where I am. What a good and loving Father He is indeed.

This past week...he used a few unsuspecting people.

Wanda the lady whom I rent my storage unit from spoke volumes to me regarding my hospital debt. I would have never expected to be encouraged and given a new perspective from her...but God just used her. She is quit older than I and has just recently gotten out of the hospital herself. She was so sweet and gave me such a precious new perspective about these bills and the reality of it all. It's not that I don't care anymore...but it's just not what life is about. I will do my best to do what is right....and I she really challenged me to be content in that. I walked away smiling and feeling as if a weight had been lifted. I am done carrying that one!

The next person who impacted me was someone who died this past month. I picked up Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture to read one night while I hung out with a friend at a coffee shop. It was really encouraging....he like Wanda.....gave me a completely different perspective on life. I am honestly not sure of his religious back ground...not quite finished with the book. All I knew when I first opened the book....was that I wanted to hear what he had to say...the man with 10 tumors in his liver...who knew he was dying...surely he would have some challenging perspective...and sure enough He did. I'm not even sure what I expected....but I got something completely different than I thought. His words really spoke to me....I felt challenged...as he listed out his dreams and shared how he got to accomplish them.....his dreams were unique to him. I realized that I haven't really stopped to think about the things the Lord has allowed me to accomplished till recently. I tend to think life is about the big events and I am always looking for the next thing...I wasn't counting the small accomplishments ....and in that was missing out on the richness they have brought to my life...the way they have made me more like Christ. When I think about the small accomplishments for the Lord...it really is amazing. Just taking the time to list some reminded me that my life has meaning and purpose.
He also changed my perspective on the brick walls in life. I have always looked at them as if they were just a big no. He reminded me that sometimes....they are not necessarily there to keep me out....but to keep the wrong thing out......more importantly they give me a chance to show how much I want something. What perfect timing...inlight of the fact that I have been preparing for this GRE test...I have definitely been seeing this test as a BIG brick wall. Now I see that it's for sure a " how bad do I want it". So...I am not discouraged. I do see that I am going to have to work extremely hard to be able to climb this...and maybe not even make it over the first time...if it's even God's will. I am actually starting to find joy in this place.... there's a tiny bit of excitement to be in a place where I am throwing out my net and waiting to see what God will do.

My final person God used to speak and encourage was Matt Chandler. I really can't say how much I appreciate him and his honesty. Tonight in Luke 14...he just kept pointing out over and over..that the one thing about Christ is that He wants my heart...."He is relentless for the heart...ruthlessly...and vilantly He goes for my heart. If I want to follow Christ I must die to self. In Heb.'s it states Christ Himself died....for the joy set before Him ...He endured the cross. Matt then shifted to the joy part....how different this is from happiness. Ugghh..nailed again...so true and oh so challenging...to have joy in all circumstances. My quote from Matt tonight...."Chase joy..it's like gold!" Finally he came back to the heart....do I engage my heart?...or do I run from it? Man....I just sat there unable to leave at the end...thinking of the many things he stirred up in me. I just know there are some things that God wants to deal with in my heart...can't even say I know exactly what. Honestly I'm scared...it's never fun to have our heart exposed for all that is there. Matt couldn't have pointed it out better... We run from our hearts...as in....we will do anything but deal with the heart. Usually we get busy...sign up for something...get a new Piper book...or memorize another verse. I can see how I run.....I've been guilty of all these things. I am not even quite sure why I am running. It's funny how with all my knowledge of who God is....I still run. I pray this week I will slow down....I pray in His love, kindness, and patience He would not give up on me...according to His Word..... He promises me He won't. He who began a good work in me...will be faithful to complete it.