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7 years ago
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Being broken....
I must lol to keep from crying. ...for the past month or more....I have been working out...as in running.....drinking tons of just water-no carbonation or even my favorite sweet tea!!!!....cutting out all sweets.....and really trying to be healthy. What did I get?? A freakin biliary tube that still spased out on me...and sent me into one of the most painful attacks in a years...about 11 hours worth of pain. The last time I felt that much pain was when I needed my emergency gall bladder surgery. So I spent all of the end of last week in the ER... at 2 hospitals for tests...and doctor's offices. And I got about $4000 worth of debt...and I wasn't even trying. The only two things that come to mind are......I can control absolutely NOTHING....and God is breaking me down. God conitnues to deal with the rebellion in my heart...there is still so much anger. He continues to work in ways I would not fathom. I am still wrestling with Him...with life...what I am supposed to be doing. I have been looking into speech assistant stuff..master's degree and....I'm just not convinced. It's so humbling...embarrassing to be here. I have never been this girl. So lost and confused. Recently missions has come back to my mind. I have so many frustrations...questions....and mostly fears.
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2 comments:
Red, something just struck me as I was reading this blog entry and the one before it. You're always talking about the debt... how you want to pay it down... get rid of it... and how you think that's best for your future (with getting married and being a mom). And then, BOOM! You get $4K of debt heaped back, where you'd paid so much down.
This is what occurred to me... the debt is such a huge fear for you that you're letting it dictate your moves. Fear is nothing but a lack of trust. So, by holding onto the fear and always letting it dominate your thoughts, you're holding onto a lack of trust in God's ability to provide for you. I know I could NEVER presume to know God's thoughts, because they are SO much higher than mine. But it occurred to me that perhaps, He's allowing you to incur MORE debt so as to ultimately bring about trust and dependence on Him. $7K of debt seems manageable -- and you're probably thinking "I" can do this... "I" can pay it down... But if He allows it to get back to an seemingly unmanageable number, then maybe you'll finally be forced to realize, "I can't do it God. It really is too big for me, and You're going to have to handle it completely."
Honey, you talk about wanting to be married and have a baby -- and that you think more debt isn't best for that situation. But that's really not for you to figure out. Whatever situation your finances are in, it won't make your future husband love you less nor want you less. And who knows? Maybe God's plan for getting rid of your debt is to bring a husband to you who can pay it off with the stroke of a pen on a check. Or, maybe it's God's plan for the two of you to work together to pay it down -- because, you know, working on a task together really does bring two people closer.
But whatever the plan is, He has one!
I used to worry about the same thing when I was single -- not wanting to set up a financial situation that my husband would inherit and have to deal with. So, I put off buying a house. Then, I finally gave up trying to figure it all out, bought a house, and THEN met/married a man who also had a house -- the very thing I was trying to avoid through my careful orchestrations. But you know what? Even in a crappy housing market, his house sold in 5 weeks, for $500 less than his asking price (and higher than the comps in the area), and the close was 3 weeks after our wedding -- barely enough time (but just enough time) to get stuff donated, sold, packed up, and/or moved.
The same is true with my reproductive issues. I tried so hard to deal with them on my own, undergoing treatments to try to "buy time." Then I find out that the situation is even worse than before the treatments began. So, guess what? My husband and I are dealing with that -- together, with God.
There are no "best laid plans" that you can make. Only ones that God can make. Just pray, and follow the peace path. Put the fear behind you, and trust that God will give you what you need -- and who you need -- and that whatever situation you find yourself in, He's got it figured out.
I love you, Red.
Tracy
Oh my gosh....thank you so so so very much. I REALLY needed to hear this...I had not thought of that at all......but I do see I am a freakin chicken!!! lol!!! I am so glad I can read it again and again! Thank you for sharing part of your testimony of God's faithfulness. This really resonates. I love you so...thank you!!!
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