It's Amazing.....

and honestly I am humbled tonight. I have been so blinded by my sinful heart that I lost sight of the truth...when we are most honest with God....about what is in our heart...no matter how yucky or sinful....then He can move and work in and through us. It's so hard to be that real sometimes...my pride keeps up the defenses and I in turn miss out on His blessings. I am so thankful for a small breakthrough tonight. A dear friend .....gave my information to a contact so that I could get more information on grad school and my options in the Speech Pathology field. How very kind of you Cristyn...thank you for remembering and following through on that.
I have still been wavering a bit with real estate or speech path....mostly leaning towards the speech. Since Jamie had encouraged me to check into being an speech path. assistant.... I hadn't really found much in the field where I live...so that was discouraging. I wasn't sure that option was something I could do, but after talking with this new connection tonight...I am greatly encouraged that it is an option. I was also very inspired and motivated that I could get my master's degree as well. I believe and have the confidence that I could really do it. It would be pretty cool to be the first in my family with a master's degree......or just the awesomeness(is that a word?=) of working so hard towards it...I believe it would be amazing....BUT I just can't get past the debt.... when there is an option to be debt free as an assistant and get paid well.
With my honesty in saying that I desire to be married and have kids....I just don't think getting back into thousands of dollars of debt is what I need to do at this point. I really want to consider my future...and how close I am to paying off all my debt!!! I also think it might be possible at some point to save and take classes here and there if I still want it.
To top off the evening...after one phone call....I had an offer from a friend to get my much need clinical hours...if it is approved by her supervisor. This would allow me to become a certified speech assistant. So I am praying for God to open up this opportunity. I am so excited just to see God move and work...open up options.. and encourage my heart. I see how much He loves me and needs for me to be real and honest with Him.....lay it all out on the table. It's oh so humbling to admit our deepest needs...frustrations...places we're wrong. I see a ton of pride built up in me...and that has really hurt me these past several years. It truly is a challenge to be a christian for so long and stay humble.....lowly....not having the mindset of.... I know this or that....I don't have to read my Bible tonight cause I've read it for at least 15 years now....and before too long...it hasn't been cracked in days...weeks...months. The I... I.. I......continues to grow....it's so ugly and I am seeing more clearly now. I have become so prideful and in need of His humbling. Even now as I write this I know that I am not where I have been or should be....but where He can work on my heart and make it soft once again. I cringe to think of how hardened some of it actually is.....I appreciate some recent conversations with a couple of people. Without even knowing it...the words and responses of your heart shed light on the yucky pride in mine. I pray He continues to clean and renew it. I don't like this person I have become over these past few years...oh how easy it is to put on the face and proudly bring our offerings...all the while God is pleading...demanding...even fighting to have our whole heart...because that is how much He loves us.

Even In A Funk....He loves me.

So I was...am still a bit frustrated.....but I have stayed away from any bridges. =)

This place is so challenging. I see the funk rising to the top of my heart. I know I need to humble myself before the Lord....for several reasons. It's just so hard....I honestly have the worst attitude...and I know it. I think the most amazing thing...the one thing that I cling to....is that in this funk ---CHRIST LOVES ME. Right here...where I am..the me who has not been reading her Bible like she should....not praying near enough.....having no patience for her co workers....the not caring girl---He still loves. When I am...and many a times I am faithless.....Oh how He is so so so so faithful.
I'm so irritated with me...it's in places like this that I see what I'm made of...and it's really ugly lately. This is a time for me to press in....not give up, run--there's no where to run anyway, or my most recent choice a bit of rebellion. I know it in my head....I really need it to flow to my heart. God is so good and gracious...inspite of me...and this bad attitude. I have never ever deserved such a love like His.
There truly is good news to be shared here.....He is working on my heart and there are things to be thankful for....I must stop to say... thank you to any person who has lifted me up in prayer. I believe that is what is making a difference. I give all glory to God for anything good that happens in my heart or life. Just in the past two days I have begun to see God open up some options.
I really thought a few post ago....that I would end up pursuing my real estate license, but when I sat down several times to sign up for the classes online and pay...I just couldn't do it. I even told my boss at our agency--I'm going to do it--thinking it would motivate me.....and then I'd just have to do it. ahaha....I could NOT do it. I had been thinking of how well I could do in this field...how I can talk to almost anyone...and I love to help people. So I was again frustrated when it didn't make any sense....until it came to me last night when I was spending time with my friend Melinda. I realized that for me to feel used....it's more than just making a connection with someone....I feel most used if I can make an impact in their life...on their heart. Real estate definitely lets you connect with someone....but just because you sell or lease them a building doesn't mean you have a chance to really make a difference in their life...or even get close to their heart. I have watched these meetings go down. It's business as usual.
I also realized from spending time with Melinda's awesome kids how much I miss impacting kids lives. I can just connect with them...it such a precious thing. No....this is not the part where I tell you I am going to teach again!! I just can't jump back on that ride. ..but I can tell you God has used some dear friendships to encourage me to not give up...to persevere to this place. The past few days God's been using Melinda and Jamie from NC. Jamie I can't thank you enough for pointing me back to speech pathology. Your thougths and wisdom have given me hope...to go back down a path I had pretty much written off. I am checking into getting my speech pathology assistant's license. That would be so amazing because I wouldn't have to go back to school...but in the midst of not wanting to go back....I have actually been entertaining the thought of going back. =) I have always wanted to finish my degree at some point...but I haven't been very confident I could do it. The timing may be right now...it is certainly the perfect time of year to try getting into grad school. The only awful part is the GRE....but I looked at some things on line....and I actually became hopeful. For me...this will take some major courage. I have battled so many negative thoughts in my head already. It will be one of the greatest challenges since I got emergency certified to teach...now that was crazy--doing my first year of teaching..taking classes..grading papers... and trying to pass both exit tests. Obviously I lived to tell about it and I passed both tests the first time!
I am going to keep praying for God to keep moving me in the right direction. The idea of making a difference in kids lives...as in helping and encouraging them in a weakness could be so amazing. As we all know anything really good in life....cost something.....but in the end it is so worth it. I'm going to head down this road and see where it takes me. I see several different opportunitues that could open up and for the first time in a long while....I am so excited to see which ones do! =)

AAAAHHHHH...

I am so stinkin frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know that I can stay at this current job much longer. I think if there had been a bridge near by...I would have jumped today! I won't go into any details about how frustrating my work environment is...I don't even get it!!!!!!! How the heck can someone totally get away with this crap!!! I have never seen anything like this...any other company would not put up with this crap!!!!! I know it!!! I want out so bad...but have no where to go. I have even thought about quiting and waiting tables. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.......
I know this is not an encouraging post at all...but that is about how I feel. Discouraged and frustrated....and once again stuck.....just in a different kind of stuck. =( I need a new job...a new life. I have to....got to...must... make a change. I need for God to open a door...every option so far has been like hitting my head on a brick wall. I am weary from this place...I never want to be that person that doesn't care....but I can honestly see how people get there.

My choices.....

There is always something to be thankful for.....thank you Nace for reminding me...at least I do have choices. Since not getting the job at SWA....yes I am still a tiny bit sad about their bad decision....
I will share the top choices I am praying over...there is one I am considering over the rest...but we shall see what happens in the last quarter!

My choices...

In no paticular order.....


My dear friend Melaine who is a traveling nurse....in the great state of Hawaii has thrown out to me the idea of coming to live there and teaching. She knows of some teachers there.....huuummm...that is one place I would actually consider the idea of grading papers again. I do really miss my students...love the age I taught!! Just not the politics. I absolutely can't play their games anymore. They killed my creativity..stressed me to the max... and it never seemed to be enough at least in the district I was in. Oh how I loved my students and parents. Could it be different....I always wonder....are there better expereinces out there. I gave it 5 years...was that not enough....could the beach make it better??? hahaha

I have my undergraduate in speech pathology...could go back to school....for a master's degree...but the GRE...eewww...just the thought of that..I don't know....BUT it would be so fun to work with kids again..and I could even work in a hospital scene. I did some clinical observations at various hospitals in college and really liked it. That could take at least 2 years and some money...as in debt....uugghhh I have knocked my debt(college/hospital) from $32,000 to right at $7,000...in the end I am sure I would make good money to be able to pay the rest of it off.....but man..I've worked so stinkin hard at two jobs for so long... to get this far....

My awesome sister works for At&T and is really trying to get me on there. I have no idea if I would like the work....but I am sure I would like the pay from what I hear...it's pretty darn good. I could pay off my debt in a year...there would be new opportunies there. Still waiting for an interview.........

I currently work at a commercial real estate office doing property management....I really enjoy the accounts and owner's I work with...I have tons of flexibility with my hours and my boss is awesome. I have the money to be able to get my license and start selling......I never in a million years would have thought I would be an agent. Then again...I never thought I would be a teacher either..it wasn't till I signed the first report card to send a student to second grade that it became the real deal for me! I do get excited to help people and I think it's an awesome thing to be able to help someone find a property.. to be able to start or expand their business. I have a fascination with the field....but so scared to jump into this....I think I could be good at it...but what if I'm not. =)

Finally....there is missions....I can't help it...it's still out there...on my heart. I had thought if I was still at the sorority house I would take next summer and go.....but with the way things have turned out....I just feel very convicted to pay off the most recent debt I have.....and the rest of what is left from school. It's been a goal of mine since 1999 when I occured the nice big emergency surgery debt along with my college loans. God has been so faithful to me...and taught me so much about money through all of this. I just want to be free from any debt...it is a huge goal and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!! I just know..... I will be so so so free when it's paid...and I will have stuck to something and finished it well.
I don't really have any direction as to where to go with missions....except there is an orphanage in Brazil I would love to check out...Africa is a place that keeps coming to mind...would love to meet my World Vision child in Kenya...and Cape Town seems amazing. I am wondering at some point....if God might open a door for this and will give me a clear opportunity.

So there they are...my choices and thoughts. I am praying over these. I lay them at His feet and really pray He will move my heart strongly in the right direction...slam doors closed!! =) I know I shouldn't be...but I'm a bit scared...I think that's what's keeping me paralized!! I just want do something I enjoy and not feel trapped in it. Time and money are slipping away. I have to make a decision soon. =)

In a Funk....

I haven't written in awhile.....I guess I've been in a bit of a funk. I've been told I'm just in the waiting room. It definitely feels more like funk. I don't really like it.....I really am a happy...fun person....but this place...seems to pull me down. Something's gotta give.
I got to spend some sweet time with my dad yesterday....it was so precious...and yet I was left with a sadness that hung over my heart today. I think for the first time....I realized a bit more about my dad's disease. I don't want to say too much out of respect for my dad...but I will share the one thing that resonated with me. My dad has about 10 years before this disease could get really bad..as in dyalsis. So I asked my dad....how you going to spend your ten years...he laughed and avoided the question by asking me what I would be doing in 10 years and if he could have one of my kidneys...he might need it! Of course I would give my dad my kidney...but after the laughter....that question stuck with me.... what do you do with 10 years of good health....it brought me back to a contemplative place...what am I doing with my years?? It made my decision seem more important....I don't want to waste the time I'm given....and so this career decision looms over me. I must make one soon. I feel a bit paralized. A few things have come my way...but they just don't seem right..or maybe it's just I never thought I would end up doing one of these jobs. Then of course there's the age old question of God's will..or is it just a left or right. I have been a christian long enough to know in my head......that God is in the process of reshaping me...to make me into what He wants me to be. My heart doesn't really like it....it's painful in many ways....but not any more painful than the places you have been. I want an answer now....but it just might be wait. I am praying over the things that I can see before me....still unsure. I am holding out a bit longer......maybe God will put something else on the table....but I know I am going to have to make a decision soon--mostly due to finances. Lately I have been craving a place to hideway just for a bit...it just seems like if I had a place where everything stopped it would be easier to decide. It's so easy to be focused on the wrong things. I don't want to be discouraged. I am trying to keep coming back to the Lord and praying for direction. I know I'm not alone in this place...I am encouraged by a few others that are also searching to find their place in this world. Recently a dear friend was kind to share with me---none of us have it figured out...if we are really honest...we are all trying to find that place that God wants us to be. It felt so good to be reminded I'm not alone.
So I weigh the options...pray...wait...and watch... for Him to unfold the next piece of His perfect plan for my life.