Accept Responsibility

You are the one who ate the junk food.
You are the one who didn't say no!
You are the one who took the job.
You are the one who stayed at the job.
You are the one who chose to believe them.
You are the one who ignored your intution.
You are the one who abandoned your dream.
You are the one who bought it.
You are the one who didn't take care of it.
You are the one who decided you had to do it alone.
You are the one who trusted him.
You are the one who said yes to the dogs.


In order to complain about something...or someone, you have to believe that something better exist. You have to have a reference point of something you prefer that you are not willing to take responsibility for creating.

In order to make a change....you have to change. ...change involves risk. A risk that might be uncomfortable..difficult..or confusing. So, to avoid risk..we stay put and complain.

Take responsibility for choices made...stop complaining....
replace complaining with requests...take action...achieve your desired outcome.

~Jack Canfield The Success Principles pgs.10,11,12,13


This book is completely kicking my butt. It's great timing....since I am in the midst of some big changes in my life. Somewhere along the way.....I stopped taking responsibility for my actions....stopped chooseing joy.....stopped seeing my value in Christ and chose to say yes to some dogs. I have come to realize that when I allow myself to get entangled in sin......it is just that... an entanglement. Just like a sticky web...it may not always come right off....sometimes it is a process...there can be layers. The lesson comes in breaking free..... and strength is often born out of pain and struggle. I am asking God to continuously set me free of sin.... free of negative thoughts...negative attitude....negative relationships...to fix my eyes on Him the author and perfector of my faith...who for the joy set before Him endured the cross. May I accept responsibility for my actions and seek to change by courageously going before His throne of grace.

YAY!!

Whoo-Hoo!! I am so excited!! I have decided to start tutoring kids as my second job! I really miss getting to work with students! Awhile back some friends of mine invited me to come eat at this little Mexican restraunt here in town. While we were there I recognized a little deaf girl who was sitting alone. Her mom was working at the restraunt and I could tell this little girl was there for the evening till her mom got off work. I couldn't help but noticed her book bag. I started signing to her and she responded.....by the end I was looking over her homework. It was so fun!! I started to ask about tutoring her....but then decided to wait since I have been so up in the air about my life. I have thought about this little girl several times and wished I had said something. Well....last night I went back....this time I was alone. I had decided that if she was there....and wanted help then I would ask her mom about tutoring her once a week.
After being seated...I saw her sitting alone at a big table. I of course started to sign to her and ask her a few questions. I then asked if she wanted to sit with me. She's so little and cute..and her face just lit up!! She came over and ate dinner with me and we began signing and having conversation. We finished her assigned reading...which was fun and easy. The coneversation part was a challenge for me.....I am incredibly rusty with reading the signs....so I kept having to sign--again..and slow please! Ha..this was so frustrating...but in a good way. I am determined to get back the skills I have lost. I can't stand trying to communicate something and literally not having the word or "sign" to say it. So I must say when she pulled out her big Halloween library book...I got really nervous!! We actually made it through the story....I did have to bring the vocab. down a few levels...I hate doing that...it's exactly not what any child needs...especially a deaf child. More than any child...they need to learn and continuously be exposed to new vocabulary.
I am very much in awe of deaf people. They are so amazing. I can't imagine never hearing sounds...or missing a chunk of them. Then there's the struggle with speech due to the lack of never hearing sound. This little girl is becoming tri-lingual at 9 yrs old...she is learning Spanish...English and Sign. Wow! I just know she is going to be a blessing to my heart! It will be fun to see what God does in both our lives!
This brings me to my second job! I have been looking for something....even recently was talking to a tutoring agency....but last night...I realized I don't need to go through an agency. I just need to start my own business!! I can make so much more doing this than any of my other ideas! I am praying once again that God will put specific student's in my path that I can help and motivate them to do their best. I'm a little scared to start a business....but it doesn't sound too hard......I guess I'll find that out soon enough! =)

After the heart.....

I am content in this limbo place....I feel my heart has finally quieted down a bit. That's what He has surely been after...my heart. It's so neat how God will bring different people accross my path just to get to speak into it. Since too many times I am running....He finds ways to speak to me right where I am. What a good and loving Father He is indeed.

This past week...he used a few unsuspecting people.

Wanda the lady whom I rent my storage unit from spoke volumes to me regarding my hospital debt. I would have never expected to be encouraged and given a new perspective from her...but God just used her. She is quit older than I and has just recently gotten out of the hospital herself. She was so sweet and gave me such a precious new perspective about these bills and the reality of it all. It's not that I don't care anymore...but it's just not what life is about. I will do my best to do what is right....and I she really challenged me to be content in that. I walked away smiling and feeling as if a weight had been lifted. I am done carrying that one!

The next person who impacted me was someone who died this past month. I picked up Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture to read one night while I hung out with a friend at a coffee shop. It was really encouraging....he like Wanda.....gave me a completely different perspective on life. I am honestly not sure of his religious back ground...not quite finished with the book. All I knew when I first opened the book....was that I wanted to hear what he had to say...the man with 10 tumors in his liver...who knew he was dying...surely he would have some challenging perspective...and sure enough He did. I'm not even sure what I expected....but I got something completely different than I thought. His words really spoke to me....I felt challenged...as he listed out his dreams and shared how he got to accomplish them.....his dreams were unique to him. I realized that I haven't really stopped to think about the things the Lord has allowed me to accomplished till recently. I tend to think life is about the big events and I am always looking for the next thing...I wasn't counting the small accomplishments ....and in that was missing out on the richness they have brought to my life...the way they have made me more like Christ. When I think about the small accomplishments for the Lord...it really is amazing. Just taking the time to list some reminded me that my life has meaning and purpose.
He also changed my perspective on the brick walls in life. I have always looked at them as if they were just a big no. He reminded me that sometimes....they are not necessarily there to keep me out....but to keep the wrong thing out......more importantly they give me a chance to show how much I want something. What perfect timing...inlight of the fact that I have been preparing for this GRE test...I have definitely been seeing this test as a BIG brick wall. Now I see that it's for sure a " how bad do I want it". So...I am not discouraged. I do see that I am going to have to work extremely hard to be able to climb this...and maybe not even make it over the first time...if it's even God's will. I am actually starting to find joy in this place.... there's a tiny bit of excitement to be in a place where I am throwing out my net and waiting to see what God will do.

My final person God used to speak and encourage was Matt Chandler. I really can't say how much I appreciate him and his honesty. Tonight in Luke 14...he just kept pointing out over and over..that the one thing about Christ is that He wants my heart...."He is relentless for the heart...ruthlessly...and vilantly He goes for my heart. If I want to follow Christ I must die to self. In Heb.'s it states Christ Himself died....for the joy set before Him ...He endured the cross. Matt then shifted to the joy part....how different this is from happiness. Ugghh..nailed again...so true and oh so challenging...to have joy in all circumstances. My quote from Matt tonight...."Chase joy..it's like gold!" Finally he came back to the heart....do I engage my heart?...or do I run from it? Man....I just sat there unable to leave at the end...thinking of the many things he stirred up in me. I just know there are some things that God wants to deal with in my heart...can't even say I know exactly what. Honestly I'm scared...it's never fun to have our heart exposed for all that is there. Matt couldn't have pointed it out better... We run from our hearts...as in....we will do anything but deal with the heart. Usually we get busy...sign up for something...get a new Piper book...or memorize another verse. I can see how I run.....I've been guilty of all these things. I am not even quite sure why I am running. It's funny how with all my knowledge of who God is....I still run. I pray this week I will slow down....I pray in His love, kindness, and patience He would not give up on me...according to His Word..... He promises me He won't. He who began a good work in me...will be faithful to complete it.

A Stone of Rememberance....

I just want to say how grateful I am tonight. God has started speaking to me....or maybe it's just that I am finally listening. He has given me some hope.

I am so blind to who this great God is...the only One who ever pursues my heart. His never wavers....even when I am faithless...He is constantly faithful.

Yesterday, I decided to email someone whom God allowed to impact my life severl years ago. He and his wife were the very first people I met at Denton Bible. I was under his leadership for a few years...and to this day I know God used Him to teach me what it means to truly be a servant leader....what discipleship looks like. To love those you lead so much that you might not just impart the gospel of Christ.....but your very life.

I happen to exchange an email and I just felt moved to be honest with him and ask him the age old question...how do you know God is calling you to something?
He wrote back and told me of the book Visioneering..by Andy Stanley. He offered to let me borrow it....but I knew at my lunch break I would run by Barnes and Noble....just to see if it was there and read his recommended chapters. Well...I got there...and wouldn't you know it...there was one copy...just waiting for me. I sat down to read...and I couldn't put it down. I knew I had to buy it.
The book has really been an amazing encouragement to me in this very confusing and frustrating place. I haven't felt a book speak to me like this in awhile. It's a book that you have to chew on....write a little..and even pull out your Bible and read the stories for yourself.

The book is about being aware of God's vision for your life. At one point he states..."Find me a believer who is no longer faithful to the cause of Christ and I will show you a man or woman who has no vision from God, no sense of divine destiny. Such people have either lost it....or never had it."pg.58
Yikes....for sure didn't want to be the one who never had it...that scared me. I know I am His...and He must have a plan for me. So I decided that I had lost it. I started trying to remember a vision He had given me...and at what point I had lost it.......and then the pieces came together...

Several years ago....God began burdening my heart for the Fry street area of Denton....it's like the Deep Ellum of Dallas. I used to just drive down the streets and pray over them the last few years of college ....it did feel a little weird at first...but the streets were always full of interesting looking people and it was as if God was saying... look at them....in their eyes..see how lost they are...how much they are in need of Me.
There is one street that I would always go down to get to Fry street...it has tons of big houses...and one night I thought to myself...how cool if I could have a huge house like that....not just for me....but for girls to live in. I had no idea....what kind of girls..at the time I was volunteering with the highschool ministry and thought maybe troubled teens. I just kept driving down those streets on random nights...praying for that area. I remember even journaling about it as one of my dreams...not really thinking it would happen...but just so God would know I thought it was something cool. It wasn't until about three years later...after I started serving with the college minstry..that I started praying for a small group to lead....as I was praying God literally placed the girls in my path...one even had a broken down car after church one Sunday....I told her I couldn't fix her car....but I could take her to lunch. It was at that lunch I threw out the idea of the small group and asked if she would like to be in it. She actually knew of a few other girls....and there formed our group. In our group there was a student who was passionate about greek students....I encouraged her to pursue it...to start a Greek Ministry ....I even visited her Bible study....and I remember thinking...wow..that is so neat that she has that kind of vision..passion for a group of people. It's so great for her...I could never minster to sorority girls. I know nothing about that. It was about three years later that God used her to connect me to the postion as a sorority house director. I told her she was crazy at first...but it was as if God quietly asked...why not? Never in a million years would I have ever thought I could have or would have done that. It was after my interview that I remembered my journal......and how I had wanted a big house full of girls...then I remembered all the nights I would drive down the Fry street area and pray...the sororoity houses are just around the corner of Fry Street. God allowed me to love and serve the girls for three years and He raised up girls to lead a Bible study...He sent an awesome couple with Campus Crusade for Christ to come along side and help and train in ways I never could. I am truly amazed....and at the point where I was weary....and honestly started to take too much of it on my own shoulders....He pulled me out.
I know there is a lesson to learn in this.....Andy mentions this in one of the chapters..... how we can so easily forget who did the work...and who gets the glory. Very insightful and something I need to meditate on.
I can not even tell you how encouraging it is to write this...to remember all that God did.....and it was nothing I could have done.
I have felt frustrated at God for not speaking...a bit like I have been on the bench....and wanting God to tell me what is next...but before He can...I need to take this lesson to heart. I am prideful and I slowly without even realizing it....lost my dependence on Him in several different ways over the last two years I was there. I see my need to come back to Him in complete dependence.

As of now....He has only given me a single word. I know this is where some frustration has come from...and why things haven't made sense. I have been trying to figure out how to apply this word.....make it what I think it should be....when I have no idea where or what.... and now I for sure realize from reading this book....I am not in control of the how. I am so very thankful for His faithfulness. I see that it's ok that all I have is this one word.....I see that I need to press into Him....PRAY so much more....become more dependent on Him...as I once was. It means setting aside my flesh and the things it wants.... to seek Him first...then all these things shall be added...and in time...when I am ready... He can reveal more.
He knows I have bills and debt...He knows I can't stand this place...the mundane ...but He cares more about the state of my heart and preparing it for the next place...than my comfort. He is the only one who truly knows the deepest desires of my heart and the greatest and best way to fulfill them to bring Him much glory. So...I'm going to finish reading and underlining this book.....and keep asking Him to break my heart that I might learn how to depend on Him.

A Glimpse to Keep Going....

Ok.....I have to share this...because it's another piece of the puzzle.

I had a huge break through last night after talking with a friend. It was a reconciliation...and coming a little more to then end of me. There is nothing like a friend who will listen to your heart...even when you think you want to punt it. A friend who will let you just say all the things you feel even if your thinking is completely wrong and off....they just give you the freedom to vent. This person was so kind...and giving... to let me share my heart....to listen to my anger...and let me throw out the things I am so scared that God might be asking me...and then challenge me back with the what if's till I had nothing left to say. I am so thankful for his encouragement and for believing in me...that I won't punt it...for displaying a gentle boldness...in the way he challenged my wrong thinking....but doing it with kindness and huge amounts of grace.
At some point it came up about Southwest Airlines....and how the door was closed ...I explained that it was months ago....I had at least moved on from that ...but I still had no idea why I didn't get it...and I shared with Him a conversation I had with God regarding the whole thing.
Well....today I am at work....and I rarely answer my cell at work..but I noticed a call that had no number. So mostly out of curiosity I answered it..thinking it would be a bill collector! =) It turned out to be my flight recruiter for Southwest Airlines...the person I interviewed with. She is so bubbly and sweet! I absolutely loved her...I was so surprised to get the call.
She knows a friend of mine and wanted to call and let me know why I didn't get picked. I was so nervous to hear why I didn't get it...but she said she thought it would help me. It turns out....they chose me...loved me...wanted me...said I had what they were looking for....BUT...I didn't pass the background check. I almost died when she said it....??? what could I have done??!! She then tells me...that the background committee stated I had too many jobs in the past 10 years. I'm like WHAT??? Then it hit me how working 2 jobs for the past several years .... must have looked on paper!!! I was trying to be honest...so I put down my second jobs...even the summer jobs I had taken while teaching. =)
I really think it's funny now. I worked hard...tried to pay off debt...and I was disqualified! Kinda goes along with the hospital asking me on Monday if I was pregnant??--no.. married????--no...sorry you don't qualify for finacial assistant. LOL!!! What the heck!!

I then tried to calmly explain...that I had been trying to pay off my debt...and the employment dates over lapped....etc...etc. She was SO SO sweet about it. She realized what I was saying....and I realized that she had no control over this....I completely understand their position...they have so many applicants to go through. She was SO encouraging about it...I thanked her so much for calling...it was really kind of her to do it....I'm sure she has a million other things she could have been doing.
It was then that I realized how very closed this door is....I could never be hired by them...and I told her in closing...I am currently looking for a new job... hahaha

I'm so out...but it's refreshing to know it was nothing I did wrong. So once again it's not about me...will I ever get it?? It is supposed to be about God and His will. Without me even knowing God gave a very firm no. It would take an act of Him to change it. It was very gracious of Him to allow me to see behind the scenes today. He didn't have to do that....I can see how much He wants me to trust Him and how much I don't. I can't punt it now. He must have something better for me if He completely shut this down. He is so patient with me. I'm stubborn and I want things my way...or what I think works best. I am remembering my conversation I had with Him after the interview....and it seems to be confirming something. Something I am honestly afraid of....but something He really may be asking me to do...only time and more waiting will make it clear.

Being broken....

I must lol to keep from crying. ...for the past month or more....I have been working out...as in running.....drinking tons of just water-no carbonation or even my favorite sweet tea!!!!....cutting out all sweets.....and really trying to be healthy. What did I get?? A freakin biliary tube that still spased out on me...and sent me into one of the most painful attacks in a years...about 11 hours worth of pain. The last time I felt that much pain was when I needed my emergency gall bladder surgery. So I spent all of the end of last week in the ER... at 2 hospitals for tests...and doctor's offices. And I got about $4000 worth of debt...and I wasn't even trying. The only two things that come to mind are......I can control absolutely NOTHING....and God is breaking me down. God conitnues to deal with the rebellion in my heart...there is still so much anger. He continues to work in ways I would not fathom. I am still wrestling with Him...with life...what I am supposed to be doing. I have been looking into speech assistant stuff..master's degree and....I'm just not convinced. It's so humbling...embarrassing to be here. I have never been this girl. So lost and confused. Recently missions has come back to my mind. I have so many frustrations...questions....and mostly fears.