Completely Surprised...

I can't believe tomorrow is my last day at my real estate job. It has been a very challenging job for me....not so much because of the job itself, but because of this season I have been in...my inner wrestlings with life and purpose. As I was reflecting back on this past year and this job...I began to feel bad. Just wishing I had done more of this or that ...been a better reflection of Christ. Last Thursday I was really feeling like I hadn't made a difference...so then God began to show me once again...it's not about me...but about Him. His ability to work in our weakness.

I was really caught off guard when by the end of the day my current employer started to discuss me staying...more pay...benefits..etc. I was shocked and confused. I really didn't expect it for one...and I wish so much that they had spoken up much sooner. I might could have stayed for awhile longer. Even though there were aspects that could be really challenging...I have learned a ton....seen growth in my life. There was no way at that point I could stay.. since I had already started the process of everything with the school district. Then on Friday it was a pretty normal morning....until my co worker slipped a big purple bag on my desk. When I got there she was smiling and told me to open it! So...I did. Inside was a really cute Christmas ornament with snowmen on it....then I saw my favorite perfume...at that I started to cry...I couldn't believe she knew that....and then the most amazing sight I ever saw!! A Dallas Cowboy's offical jersey! I was bawling!!!! I had no idea how much this co worker cared about me. It blew my mind that she didn't just get a present....but she actually snooped in my computer and found my Christmas list!! =) I was so shocked. It was so thoughtful....and I know it cost her...it really pierced my heart. The whole idea of giving....graciously and abundantly to those around us...to show how much we care. This year I really really don't have much money...so it's hard....but I see that I can take what I have and be intentional and thoughtful. I also realize once again how much God uses us inspite of all our weaknesses. I am so frail and I fall so short...but in my weakness...in all my yucky sinfulness....He is so strong...He still shines....He is still glorified! I give Him all glory for this past year. I thank Him for the people He has placed in my life to sharpen me....even though it has been extremely painful at times. I have so far to go...so much to learn....but I see that it is not anything in me...it's Him....it's Christ alone...He's my everything.

Wow...

One of my favorites!

More Love...More of Him in my Life

...this is my only need. More of Jesus Christ. I have been very awakened...shaken at how I have been in relationship with Christ for so long and without even realizing it.....I have stopped loving God to the depth that I have.....that I could. I have taken His grace, mercy, forgiveness, joy, unrelenting love for granted. My heart is grieved. I have been trying to figure out how my heart ended up here...and as I have been reading this new book....Crazy Love. Chan gave the best example of what I believe I has happened.

"In our world, where hundreds of things distract us from God, we have to intentionally remind ourselves of Him. I recently attended my highschool reunion. People kept coming up to me and saying..She's your wife?..they were amazed, I guess, that a woman so beautiful would marry someone like me. It happened enough times that I took a good look at a photograph of the two of us. I too was taken aback. It is astonishing that my wife chooses to be with me--and not just because she is beautiful. I was reminded of the fullness I was given in my wife.We need the same sort of reminders about God's goodness.......We forget we already have everything we need in Him. We are bombarded and programmed to focus on what we don't have....and we transfer this to God as well. We don't think often enough about the reality of who God is, we quickly forget that He is worthy to be worshipped and loved. (Crazy Love, p.29 Chan)

I have been so unfair...unjust....to do this to such a loving and good God. The God who relentlessly seeks my affection...while I have been preoccupied...forgetful... to even realize the amazingness that He is....that He is here. He loves me more than I will ever comprehend. I know that I need nothing else.
I was reading in Luke 7:36-50....one of my favorite passages. I pray to be like this woman....to understand the depth of my sin. Everytime I read this passage...no matter how many times..the verses at the end always stand out.

"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little..loves little. "

I don't want to have a -little love- for my God....my Savior...others. I want a BIG love....a CRAZY love for my Jesus..my God..my Holy Spirit. I want to love others with this same kind of love.

...."Love the Lord your God with all your heart...with all your soul.....with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment (Matt.22:37,38)

The result is prayer...Bible study.....and loving others.

May I not be found...half hearted...luke warm....partially commited. Otherwise my life is wasted...and I will have missed out on the greatest lover to ever have pursued my soul.

Crazy Love....

Thanks David for the lead on this new book!! I am so excited to read it and want to share. I really enjoyed the website and think it's so relevant to today and it's really in line with what God has been impressing on my heart....that He is BIG.....HUGE...and so worthy of my praise and my crazy love!! check it out: http://www.crazylovebook.com/
red

Meditations of my Heart.....

As I drove home tonight from Recovery...I had tears of gratitude to Christ....to God my Father...the Holy Spirit for protecting me in all my stupidity....pride..arrogance. It was a night of listening to story after heart breaking story....and realizing.....Oh my gosh....you have completely protected me from this....and this....and this. If I do not do a 180 in certain areas of my life...that could be my story. If I do not seek You above all else.....make you the biggest....turn from idols....then I am left to my flesh.
The many ways that I have been completely selfish and rebellious are in my face. I am overwhelmed with gratitude tonight....challenged to dig deeper into my heart..... to unpack my sin which has been so neatly tucked away and covered with pride.

The other thing that God brought to mind...for the millionth time...is the never ending theme..... it's not about me. When will I ever get this through my thick stubborn self centered fleshly head.
After another job interview.....and not getting a particular job that seemed most fitting....I started to explain to some friends last night..what I thought I didn't do right...or how I must have conveyed the wrong thing in the interview..or maybe this woman felt threatened by me. The Lord spoke through my sweet friend Liz..she just looked up and said...or Tracy...maybe it's not even about you. Maybe He said no for someone else...for some other reason that you can't see...because we know it's sure not about us. SLAM! Honestly there was a tiny bit of pain in that....I thought for a moment.... someone else? Then just as quicky I felt embarrassed...then frustrated that I had missed it again!!!! I told her she was SO right. I was silenced. I lost sight of it.....the thing that keeps coming up over and over and over. It is not about me. ...it is about His glory. My pride....my selfishness strive to make it about me.

Thank you Lord for this place to be completely real. I pray you would change me from the inside out. Become greater that I might become less.

Recovery....

I am very excited to be going to a Bible study at The Village called Recovery. It has taken some time to get to this place. ..due to pride. I am thankful to be here. A place with other believers who desire to examine their hearts and deal with sin. It has been so good to be able to verbally admit my huge short comings. To come face to face with my idolatry....to acknowledge how deceitful my heart truly is....to know apart from Him... His grace...I am insufficent.

I have also started back reading a book When People are Big and God is Small. God has pointed out numerous ways that I have allowed Him to become so small. I ask His forgiveness.

....I see that every time I make God small.....I love less....my love can only be as big as my God. I don't have the power nor desire to love like He calls me to love...all I have to offer is a watered down version that runs out.

A quote from the book...."regarding other people, our problem is that we need them (for ourselves) more than we love them(for the glory of God) The task God sets for us is to need them less and love them more....instead of looking at ways to manipulate others, I need to ask God what my duty is toward them."

I see how completely self focused I am....not wanting to love some...because the bottom line is...they have nothing to give me. Wanting to love others because of what I think I will gain.

It's really sick and it shows my total depravity apart from Christ's love...apart from Him being BIG in my life.

I am really praying for God to become BIGGER in my eyes....the fear of the Lord is the begining of knowledge......from knowledge of Him...I know how to obey Him. ..to do His will....to walk by real faith. (thank you Lee for the reminder of what real faith is)

I have made Him so small....and it has affected everything. My love for others...my obedience....the ability to trust Him.

As I have been reading this book....it has continued to point me back to the Bible. The challenge to see God for who He is.....HUGE. I have put so many idols in the place of God that it's hard to follow Him. I don't trust Him like I should...because my eyes are not on Him. They are on the circumstances.... relationships....on my "needs." It's my pride and selfishness that keep me...from seeing the most magnificent....glorious....amazing.....larger than life...one and only living God.

I pray that I and everything else in my life becomes so small and that He becomes magnified above everything else....only then can I love..obey.. dare to walk by faith.

Just A Song I Love....

Old Hangar song that Saub made famous...wish he would record it....he brought it to life....such an awesome worship song.

Be Magnified....


I have made You too small in my eyes
Oh Lord, forgive me
And I have believed in a lie
That You are unable to help me.
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong
And in my eyes and with my song
Oh Lord, be magnified (bis)

[Chorus:]Be magnified, Oh Lord
You are highly exalted
And there is nothing You can't do
Oh Lord, my eyes are on You
Be magnified,Oh Lord, be magnified

[Verse 2]I have leaned on a wisdom of men
Oh Lord, please forgive me
And I have responded to them
Instead of Your light and Your mercy
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show yourself strong
And in my eyes and in my song
Oh Lord be magnified (bis)

MANY THOUGHTS....

I have so many thoughts and feelings I am trying to process over this election. It seems each day passing has revealed something new. I feel like something so huge...beyond my true understanding has happened. I feel as if many many many people are deceived. At the same time....I also feel so proud that our country has come to a place of reconcilliation that we have elected an African American as President. For many years I have had the opportunity to teach to my students about the life of MLK...and it was such a blessing to me as a teacher...to really impart to my students the importance of what took place and how we need to never repeat this part of history again. So....I must say that my uneasiness is not over race. My concern is over this man's background...over his views of morality...over his view of our country's defense...over how he will treat beloved Israel. It is interesting how this all played out. The major issues of the sancitiy of life and marriage seem to be completely pushed to the wayside by christians...God's very design for our life--that we are actually born-not murdered before our first breath...and that we are to procreate-by marriage-not homosexuality...to fill the earth..has been hugely over looked as side issues...or for so many not an issue at all any more. All the hope is placed on a better economy...better healthcare system..and on one man... Barak Obama.
I honestly don't think we know enough about this man's background. If even a fourth of the things I have heard alleged of him are true.....we are in for huge change alright....but one that I do not believe will be in the best interest for America. The damage that could be done will be irriversible.

I am shocked at the thoughts and views I have heard from many christians. I have never felt so alone in how I feel. Never felt like we are being so defeated and taken out one by one as believers....and never more responsible. Each day it is more and more obvious how the church has sat on the side lines...christians have sat out...I have sat out and just let someone else "take care of it" "stand up for it" "vote for it" "lead it'
How much longer will God's patience continue...before judgement comes. We seriously seem to think we can snub our noses to Him-since He doesn't exist... and turn our backs to happily chase after idol...after idol...after idol....putting our hope in anything but Him...thinking there will be no consequences....because we are American. Wow.

I started thinking about democracy today...and thought I had once heard something about it not lasting much more than 200 years based on history. I started to google democracy and came across this thought more than once...

Some have attributed this quote to Alexander Tyler:
"The average age of the world's greatest civilization has been two hundred years. These nations have progressed through this sequence.
From bondage to spiritual faith;
from spiritual faith to great courage;
from courage to liberty;
from liberty to abundance,
from abundance to selfishness;
from selfishness to complacency,
from complacency to apathy,
from apathy to dependency,
from dependence back into bondage

G. K. Chesterston:“I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on men unless they act.”

I see this happening.....men and women NOT acting...it just doesn't seem possible that we can keep going like this...we are very apathetic....crying out for someone to save us....we want someone to depend on...and Barak Obama seems just the man....only I pray we are not led back into a bondage...we are so full of ourselves and our greed I don't even think we would know what hit us till it was too late. The only hope in that.....we as a nation would be forced to cry out to the only living God that so many say doesn't exist...to save us....and He would be glorified once again as He deserves.

I pray that I am so wrong on all these thoughts...but my heart is so heavy and I can't shake it.

I know this should be a joyful time....to celebrate the victory of freedom and equality.....so many men and women of different nationalities have longed for a man of color...to be raised up...to be a strong and true leader. I myself have longed to see this day...but I wish it was a different man of color. Barak is persuasive....he is elegant...he is mysterious in many ways....he has stolen the hearts of the people. Even the comentators used the words..he is our hope.

Barak Obama is no more our hope than McCain would have been...or any other leader. Our only hope is Christ. Our only hope is to live out II Chronicles 7:14

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

I don't know that we are a humble enough people to literally do this....I don't know that we have chosen a leader that truly fears the God of the Bible...who takes God's words seriously. I can only pray that he will acknowledge God...see his need for the one true and living God outside of himself....and I can only become more educated about the issues that will be at hand and be faithful to speak when given the opportunity instead of waiting another 4 years.