In A Shadow of Sadness....

I am so sad today. It's probably the fact that I am moving again...and reminded that there is no real home here. I am limited in what I can say for various reasons. There are some situations that have made my heart so sad. As I kept trying to "rise above it"..God allowed a dear friend to call... I shared a bit with her.....and after hanging up...I realized that what I long for is heaven.
I can't wait till I will be in a place where the focus is totally and completely...Christ. There will be unbroken fellowship...no goodbyes...no separation....there will be such sweet community. A place where christians won't be flakey....hold grudges...or be too busy......I won't be misunderstood...or put in a category based on single or married...I will have more brothers and sisters than I can count...love will be perfected and sin will not be present. I am a bit disheartened tonight. Everything around me is just not how it is supposed to be. I long for a home..not an earthly dwelling...this longing is for something so much deeper... I know it's for the community that will only exist in heaven. This past Sat. really created a stirring in my heart...it was this taste of something that I want more of....my sadness is over the fact that it just can't exist here...at best we get a glimpse or a taste. I can only imagine how Paul felt....but must do what he did....until God calls me home......so I press on...take it a day at a time...even when I don't "feel" like it.

The Good Stuff....can't be taken.

Last night was one of the sweetest nights in awhile. I tried to savor every moment. It was a night full of so many emotions. For starters....a dear brother in Christ whom I have know since he was in 7th grade got married...to a very sweet and Godly woman whom I also was blessed to have spent time with...it was so neat to see how God had brought them together.
It was also a bit of a small reunion of dear dear friends...whom I was so blessed and feel honored to have served with in ministry many years ago.
I almost fell over when I saw Nace there to do the ceremony... but instead of falling..I ran down a gravel road like a crazy woman to give him a huge hug! I couldn't believe it! Then of course there was Jennifer "Skainer" & David Martin and Sean& Jennifer Fitzgerald!! I literally did not want the night to end. I just about cried sitting there at the reception. I have the funnest, craziest, and sweetest Christ centered, memories with these guys. We tried calling a few others in the old JV gang..I was so so sad we couldn't get a hold of Vandana "Brownie" and Kathleen "Katz" to join us.
Just that taste of being around such amazing people who love Jesus...took me back...and then to the present again.... as I looked around and saw so many "kids" from the JV ministry all grown up...several married. Then looking at my fellow leaders with their spouses.... knowing they were all parents as well.....I was in awe of all that God had done. Towards the end of the night...when they had to go....and each one slipped away...back to their lives....to their families.....there was a huge sadness that came over my heart...I must say I have been wrestling with it ever since.
There are a few places and times that I am reminded that I am single... a wedding is usually one of them...this wedding with old and dear friends...who have amazing spouses and kids definitely did it. It was for sure one of the sweetest nights...and in the end it was one of the loneliest. I hate that it's true. I wish I was super christian girl...who could never let these dumb feelings and lies come over her....but I'm not. It wasn't even that I was jealous of what they had....I just didn't want them to leave....I wanted us all to be together again. I know all the logical awesome reasons for appreciating my singleness....but as they each went away...back to their lives...I was left feeling so empty. Wondering and questioning....trying to fight the lies that seemed to want to take a place in my heart and mind. I am truly thankful for this place that God has me. There is a reason beyond me that I am here. But I absolutely miss having a group that I was apart of....such dear friends that I could always be 100 % myself with..... laugh with and at each other....the kind you stay up with late into the night discussing God and life......that connection that goes beyond the surface. I miss being around Godly men who love Jesus...who openly share what God is teaching them through His Word....and fight to struggle well. You guys were such servants to us crazy girls...and you were so fun....we shared so much laughter...and wrestling matches!! You were so kind to open up to us...to love and truly serve us as brothers. It is rare that I meet men like you these days. Too many flakes. You truly are the cream of the crop.
I feel so blessed to know each of you and to have served along side you in ministry. What a gift those years were to my life.
Sitting in church tonight....God was so sweet to meet me where I was. Through the worship....my focus was brought back to Christ..and yes... how it's so not about me..but about worship and loving God. Gotta love Matt Chandler. He really brought it home. Luke 10...love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength...and your neighbor as yourself. I was reminded once again of what is truly important. It's not about being married...or being single...but it's about loving God with all my heart and soul..etc...and loving my neighbor ....the kind of love that cost me...as it cost the Samaritan who helped the man who was robbed--unlike the Priest and Levite...who passed up the opportunity to love--they were too focused on their selves. It's about being more like Mary and sitting at His feet...choosing the good part every day-which is Christ....because He can't be taken from me. I am thankful for this ache in my heart..it's ok if it stays with me....because it means I love you so deeply and it reminds me that only He can fill up the emptiness to over flowing...and one day... we will be together... forever. =)

It's Gonna Be Alright.....

So after me getting in the fender bender...now my mom was in one last night....only hers was a bit worse. Her airbag went off and they towed her car. Her message sounded like she was ok....she's at home-thank goodness. I couldn't get a hold of her last night. I am praying she is good today and no further damage done. I also found out that my dad's kidney disease went from stage 2 to stage 3 last week. There are only 5 stages. I honestly don't know much about it...except stage 5 is bad and that is when they start dialysis...which the doctor says won't be another 10 or 15 years. I really hope for that....but stage 2 to 3 went a bit quick.
It's just another reminder of how precious life is...and we never know what is going to happen. I feel so blessed to have such amazing parents. They both love the Lord so very much. They are both very serving and giving people. They have made their fair share of mistakes...but have always been willing to work through things with each of us if we communicated with them. They have instilled in me what it looks like to love Christ and walk with Him daily. As a child I would wake up for school and when I came in the kitchen for breakfast...my dad's Bible and the Daily Bread would always be open and typically he would leave me a note to read over something that morning...or it would just say...you are valuable...I love you, dad. I now get the Daily Bread...it makes me smile every time I see it...and reminds me of the importance of putting God first. I can't say that I am a morning person like my dad...but I do strive to walk daily with Christ. My mom and dad are still together after almost 35 years and they have been so faithful to their commitment. They truly are best friends. I love my parents so much...they definitely taught me a lot....but I think the most valuable things were caught not so much taught. So I am thankful for the many years given and pray for many more....but am reminded that any time we have with those we love is such a gift. We need to enjoy every moment. Let nothing keep us from each other...or expressing God's love....beloved let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love...does not know God, for God is love. It's not so strange that He says just before this.... greater is He who is in you..than he who is in the world. I think the greatest challenge we have is to truly love like Christ..and it can be so hard...especially with our family...they can be the hardest to love sometimes...because they know us so well...and nothing is hidden. We absolutely need a power greater than ourselves to be able to truly extend love. Oh how our motives are so wacked...many times...even when we "seek to do good"...it's just those filthy rags.
I just pray that I can take these words to heart....Beloved, if God so loved us- me-Tracy...I ought to love one another. I pray I would truly love....and not be self absorbed. Again...I am reminded it's not about me....my "rights" but His glory. I must write this a million times.

Oops!!!

Ok...so on a not so Godly note! I rear ended someone last night!!! uuuggghhh
We were both about to enter a service road that leads to the on ramp...there are always cars flying around the corner...she gunned it...then braked! I had already hit the gas to go. What a buuummmer!!! She didn't speak any English. So all I could do was write down my information. I felt so bad. I made sure she was alright...the damage wasn't bad..and she could drive her car. So after giving her my information...I decided to leave because it was very dark out...and I had no idea who would be coming...I didn't feel very safe. We were in the old Bennigans parking lot in Lewisville.
I was so frustrated at myself....feeling very dumb....no other word for it. This is all I will write because I would like to forget it happened and be thankful I am ok! I know God will provide whatever the outcome.
I am going to finish up this awesome week....by going to the cheesy Denton fair tonight....but it will be so fun...cause I'm going with the coolest co worker ever--Melinda!! We always manage to have a fun time and find something to laugh about! =)

Another page turns....

God made me laugh tonight...

I have been looking for a place to live.....there are other girls that were promised a spot in this absolutely amazing house of estrogen...so I have to move on. I have been a bit sad...because I absolutely LOVE it here. I have been so very blessed. There couldn't have been a better place to be after living in the Phi Pi house. I have a very sweet roommate..shout out to Chrystal!! I have an amazing land lord Brenda!! Whoot whoot! I have been so loved here. God really put some sweet touches on this place.. my room reminds me a bit of my old room...cause I have a little sitting area. I never expected the swimming pool...but isn't that just like God...just when we need it...to give that extra little something. What an amazing couple of months.

I have been praying about where to next...I have had two precious friends offer their places...and normally I would have accepted...but due to not having health insurance--bad bad bad-I know!!! I don't have the proper med's...to be able to live with animals right now. Which I still have talks about with God...cause I love love love dogs...and I can't lie...one day I will have to have one...but I will wait till I have health insurance. =)

So..today was a day of doors opening...and closing... opening.. and closing. I had a few sweet sweet precious friends throw out some ideas...just that in it's self made me so grateful....and reminded me again.. how big God is.....that He cares where I am..even if I have NO idea where I am going. =)

I called the Sumrall's around 2 p.m. today to see if I was going to be able to live with them again...they are like my grandparents and I think the world of them. I can't even believe they are in their 80's now. Unbelievable. I was so excited at the thought of just being around them again. I love their heart for people and missions. So I got a hold of Mel and he told me that they had got a confirmation that someone was going to live in the spot I wanted. Not going to lie..I was sad. I had such a great plan for my life! I had been praying for God's best...how could anything be better than the Sumrall's ...but I knew I had prayed for God's will. I called another family I had thought of....but they wouldn't have an opening till Nov. Ok...so now I'm thinking God just might be closing the door on Denton. Just as the thought crossed my mind..a dear friend called who knew of a place in The Colony....and then my sister called and offered something to me in Ft Worth...and then the possibility of a job in Ft Worth came up. So now I'm really confused....is it the Colony...maybe it's Ft Worth? By now it's 5 p.m. and I am headed home...just trying to figure out what God might be up to. I had not really been open to living in Ft Worth..never thought of the Colony...I must admit...have even said I will never live in Ft Worth. Which is hillarious...cause I know better than to ever say that. I just kept praying and being encouraged by a precious friend to think outside the box....be open. So just as I was contemplating this Ft Worth thing...and thinking about how that might could work... I had a missed call.. after listening to the message.....it was Mel calling and offering me the room. The other person had cancelled!!!!!!!!!!!! I just thought it was so funny. I couldn't help but think... God did you really have to wait 5 hours to decide it to tell me it was a yes instead of no. I know God knows all things...it's not like He changes His mind. Oh..I know it was apart of His plan--to shape me. =)

Seriously....God is like nothing I have ever known. His ways are so not ours...and it is very evident He is teaching me to trust Him and to be open to go where He leads. After being reminded of Sam and His amazing faith ....I see that it's one thing to say I trust or believe, but it's another to walk it out...all the way to the death...of whatever I must die to...my ideas...my thoughts.. my ways.

Some deaths are more painful than others.

I am happy to say that I had complete peace about accepting the spot with Mel and Patty. What an awesome privilege to get to be near them once again. I know God isn't done with moving me around. I still have no idea what job I will end up with..but I am learning that it's okay to not know. It doesn't mean my life has any less importance or that God has forgotten to have a plan for me.There was a purpose in the 5 hours. I could guess at what it was...but the bottom line is only God knows and He truly does give me...and you.. best--when we wait on Him. Could his best still be Ft Worth...maybe...but I just have the greatest peace about the Sumrall's. This waiting and trying to figure out His will is so hard sometimes!! I pray that I won't falter in the job search...I still don't know where He will lead me...it still could be commuting to Ft Worth for all I know....but I really pray that I will hold fast to His promises and really cling to Him for His direction. I pray I will accept His no's with as much grace as I accept His yes's...and see it for what it is...His goodness and protection...ultimately His love.

A Tribute to Sam....

Today is the anniversary of the death of a friend....he was one of the most courageous guys I've met in a very long time. Yes, he was a marine....but he was so much more...he was a true solider of Christ. I have had the experience of seeing a few people die from cancer....I can't say that I have seen anyone battle cancer like Sam. In a day and age...where we don't always believe the miraculous...Sam believed..absolutely believed that God would heal him....to his very last breath...he believed. He claimed victory over death....and in all his prayers and scriptures..that he read..had us read to him...he came forth as gold.

I had the privilege of spending time with Sam about a month before he died...and he had me laughing so hard and eating ice cream...this man who had a tube in his stomach to clean out anything he ate....played a joke on me and had me rolling...I couldn't believe he was as sick as he was....and before we left..we prayed..it was such a sweet and powerful prayer. I knew when I walked out that door that I may not see him again till heaven...but for the first time since loosing other relatives to cancer and feeling so disheartened....I decided to continue to pray just as Sam was praying....for healing. I decided to trust in God once again...that He knew best...but I would lay all that I had at His feet....I fasted and prayed like I have never done in my life.....God changed me and gave me the faith to truly believe that if He so desired..in a moment...with one word....I knew that Sam..could be healed and just as Lazarus woke from death...Sam could be freed from cancer.

With each passing day...it seemed that God was desiring to bring Sam closer to Him....I was praying harder for mercy and no pain...I was begging God for a miracle...I reminded God of what He could do with a young man who is 24..who was broken and empty for Him...and God reminded me that He loved Sam the most..and He had a plan for him. I kept praying and I would read the updates...that Sam was still believing God for a miracle. So at the point that I wanted to waver in my prayers...and pray...just take him Lord..I would change my prayer to heal him Lord....because I knew that that Sam was still believing in God to heal him. I know this because of the emails and blogs posted on his behalf......but nothing stirred my heart like the truth shared at his memorial service...of what he did hours before he passed.
Before Sam's transition into heaven ....he tried to make his way to the bathroom to see a mirror...they helped him get to the mirror... Sam said... I just want to see what I look like... so that I will know how great the victory that God has done for me when I get my new body.... Satan will not have the victory over me...God will heal me. I was so taken by this that it hit me....this is how we as christians should die....this is how we die well. Satan does not get the victory over our lives...for Sam it was cancer. Each of us has our own battle....we can not give in...or quit. Oh how tempting it is so many times. Especially when we don't see things going our way. But I am so thankful that Sam saw that it wasn't about him...and ultimately not about things going his way...but it was about God and His glory. It was about trusting Him and believing Him till that very last breath.

I can not even tell you all the things that I learned from my very short encounter with Sam...but I can tell you my life is forever changed. My faith forever strengthened like never before....even writing this...I am reminded...and I guess that is why I write...so I have to remember. I desire to honor a dear brother who so loved our God and trusted him with His last breath. I pray so differently now. I am learning not to be afraid to ask more for the impossible....to believe in ways I hadn't before. Not that I don't still struggle because you all know I do..but Sam still comes to my mind. I think so much because...God used his cancer to break some hardened places of my heart....it was honestly hard to think of praying for Sam at first...because every time I had prayed for someone with cancer God had taken them....so I was frustrated a bit with God...but with Sam...because of how he lived...he challenged me to pray big-huge-...to believe with Him for greater things...impossible things. When he passed last Aug 12....it wasn't a death...it was a transition and I know Sam got his healing...and I was not the same person. I am so very thankful for his life. Sam...just like you and me...... had a choice...he turned his life around and gave Christ all He had...he lived and died for the glory of our God. I will never be the same because of that. It's so not about us. He is good...all the time...all the time God is good... and He forever loves us.

If you would like to meet Sam ...you can go to http://www.myspace.com/samiamtheman