Check It Out!!!

http://iamsecond.com/

It's worth your time to check out this site ...the testimonies are so neat. Very very encouraging!!!!

Nap Time.....

I am currently hanging out at my brother's house....awaiting the arrival of niece or nephew number 4. It has been so so so sweet to be loved on by them and to play! I have already been so incredibly blessed to know and love them!
There is much anticipation in the air right now! This was most definitely apparent at nap time today.
Yes...I was actually talked into laying down for nap time...can't remember the last time I took a real nap! It was the sweetest thing ever to cuddle with little Lenci and Zoe...who of course weren't tired at all...and who mostly wanted to play with me or the teddy bear. There was a CD playing with really sweet worship/hymns on it....and as it finally got still...and quiet.....I could hear the words of an old and dear song. For me...it's a song I've heard numerous times growing up in a christian home...but pretty much just the first verse. As I listened to the other verses....as if for the first time. They caught my attention and I was overwhelmed once again with God's love for each of us. I was so thankful that my little nieces and nephew are getting to fall asleep to words they can rest in...words of truth...that NEVER change. No matter how the world does. This one truth...that God... the ONE and ONLY... TRUE and LIVING God....sent His only Son...to be born in a manger...to grow up in love....and to lay His life down for love...that He might win our very hearts....our souls...for the glory of His name. Oh that we might not just hear....but to truly know.......

Jesus loves me! This I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
They are weak, but He is strong

Chorus:

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! This I know,
As He loved so long ago,
Taking children on His knee,
Saying, Let them come to Me

Jesus loves me when I'm good,
When I do the things I should,
Jesus loves me when I'm bad,
Though it makes Him very sad.

Jesus loves me still today,
Walking with me on my way,
Wanting as a friend to give
Light and love to all who live


Jesus loves me! He who died
Heaven's gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let His little child come in

Jesus loves me! Loves me still
Tho' I'm weak and ill;
That I might from sin be free
Bled and died upon the tree

Jesus loves me! He will stay
Close beside me all the way;
Thou hast bled and died for me,
I will henceforth live for Thee

~ Anna Warner

If.....

If I say," Yes I forgive, but I cannot forget," as though the God, who twice washes all the sands on all the shores of all the world, could not wash such memories from my mind, then I know nothing of Calvary love."
~Amy Carmichael

Sonnet 29....

When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

~Shakespeare

A Lesson to be Learned......

I am sitting here so overwhelmed with thankfulness to the Lord. I don't even really know where to begin. So much has happened since I wrote last. I have changed jobs and taken an interpreting job once again for deaf/hard of hearing students at a local high school...while I am working on my speech pathology assistant's license. I can't even express to you how much I love what I am doing. There is something about signing that just moves me....I truly feel it is a skill God has given me...to be someone's ears..to help someone to truly understand and to be able to better communciate. I don't want take it for granted again. I love this field and I pray that I truly make a difference in the lives I come in contact with....
The really bummer part of all this is on Friday, I got my first paycheck.... to find out I was told the wrong information regarding my pay. Therefore my pay check is significantly less that it should be...as in I can't pay my bills on this salary...let alone buy Christmas present's. Even though I had the pay information in writing...there is nothing the district will do to make it right. Initially I felt very shocked...like someone pulled the bottom out from under me...I am finally doing something I love...why does this have to happen? I am so worn out. It hurt...then I felt anger and frustration. As I spoke with each of my bosses regarding this...they admited the error was their's...it was an "honest" mistake...but there was nothing they could do. It was as if no one cared...they had their paycheck for the month....they had their Christmas taken care of...it was my problem.
I walked away from this just a bit stunned. It's amazing to me...how very little we truly care for one another. How so very selfish we truly are. Myself fully included.
It became clear... that this is the place God wants me...to feel once again what it's like to not have....to be in need....to know that apart from Him doing one thing...I have nothing. It doesn't matter what job I have...or what I am told by someone. There is no security apart from my Father in heaven.
I can't make it...survive....live...eat...ultimately breathe apart from Him. I have been reminded in a huge way of what Christmas is...it is about recieving the greatest gift ever given... Jesus Christ. I have nothing to give.
He is my provider...He will have to show Himself just that...I am praying about what to do.....look for another job....or maybe get a third job...the thought of not interpreting for the deaf students makes me sad.
Ok...so God is really working on my heart...making me sensitive to those who don't have....in a sense giving me a very small taste of this....
On Sunday I went to hang out with a very dear friend in Dallas... He shared with me about a special friend of his who is very very sick. His name is Scrap Iron. He is a street musician who lives in Dallas. He currently is in Parkland Hosptial fighting for his life because he got pneumonia from sleeping in the cold. It doesn't matter the details...I was floored. I sat outside in the cold today just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that people sleep in this. I really couldn't...but I did realize if not for this family I live with...I would have rent money due that I couldn't pay. If my story were just a bit different....less characters in it. I too could be in the street. My heart has been so impacted by all of this. All I can think about is.... there has to be a way to help this precious man. I just hate it that in our day....with all we have....how can any one have to sleep in the cold?????????????
My heart is broken...and I am determined...to make a difference. I have no idea how....but if God is so gracious to heal this man...I want to make a difference...I have to make a diffference. Christmas is not about stuff...it's about people...about loving....it is about giving and receiving...it's about amazing grace....done right. Please say a prayer for Scrap Iron...that God would heal him and make him well....

Completely Surprised...

I can't believe tomorrow is my last day at my real estate job. It has been a very challenging job for me....not so much because of the job itself, but because of this season I have been in...my inner wrestlings with life and purpose. As I was reflecting back on this past year and this job...I began to feel bad. Just wishing I had done more of this or that ...been a better reflection of Christ. Last Thursday I was really feeling like I hadn't made a difference...so then God began to show me once again...it's not about me...but about Him. His ability to work in our weakness.

I was really caught off guard when by the end of the day my current employer started to discuss me staying...more pay...benefits..etc. I was shocked and confused. I really didn't expect it for one...and I wish so much that they had spoken up much sooner. I might could have stayed for awhile longer. Even though there were aspects that could be really challenging...I have learned a ton....seen growth in my life. There was no way at that point I could stay.. since I had already started the process of everything with the school district. Then on Friday it was a pretty normal morning....until my co worker slipped a big purple bag on my desk. When I got there she was smiling and told me to open it! So...I did. Inside was a really cute Christmas ornament with snowmen on it....then I saw my favorite perfume...at that I started to cry...I couldn't believe she knew that....and then the most amazing sight I ever saw!! A Dallas Cowboy's offical jersey! I was bawling!!!! I had no idea how much this co worker cared about me. It blew my mind that she didn't just get a present....but she actually snooped in my computer and found my Christmas list!! =) I was so shocked. It was so thoughtful....and I know it cost her...it really pierced my heart. The whole idea of giving....graciously and abundantly to those around us...to show how much we care. This year I really really don't have much money...so it's hard....but I see that I can take what I have and be intentional and thoughtful. I also realize once again how much God uses us inspite of all our weaknesses. I am so frail and I fall so short...but in my weakness...in all my yucky sinfulness....He is so strong...He still shines....He is still glorified! I give Him all glory for this past year. I thank Him for the people He has placed in my life to sharpen me....even though it has been extremely painful at times. I have so far to go...so much to learn....but I see that it is not anything in me...it's Him....it's Christ alone...He's my everything.

Wow...

One of my favorites!

More Love...More of Him in my Life

...this is my only need. More of Jesus Christ. I have been very awakened...shaken at how I have been in relationship with Christ for so long and without even realizing it.....I have stopped loving God to the depth that I have.....that I could. I have taken His grace, mercy, forgiveness, joy, unrelenting love for granted. My heart is grieved. I have been trying to figure out how my heart ended up here...and as I have been reading this new book....Crazy Love. Chan gave the best example of what I believe I has happened.

"In our world, where hundreds of things distract us from God, we have to intentionally remind ourselves of Him. I recently attended my highschool reunion. People kept coming up to me and saying..She's your wife?..they were amazed, I guess, that a woman so beautiful would marry someone like me. It happened enough times that I took a good look at a photograph of the two of us. I too was taken aback. It is astonishing that my wife chooses to be with me--and not just because she is beautiful. I was reminded of the fullness I was given in my wife.We need the same sort of reminders about God's goodness.......We forget we already have everything we need in Him. We are bombarded and programmed to focus on what we don't have....and we transfer this to God as well. We don't think often enough about the reality of who God is, we quickly forget that He is worthy to be worshipped and loved. (Crazy Love, p.29 Chan)

I have been so unfair...unjust....to do this to such a loving and good God. The God who relentlessly seeks my affection...while I have been preoccupied...forgetful... to even realize the amazingness that He is....that He is here. He loves me more than I will ever comprehend. I know that I need nothing else.
I was reading in Luke 7:36-50....one of my favorite passages. I pray to be like this woman....to understand the depth of my sin. Everytime I read this passage...no matter how many times..the verses at the end always stand out.

"Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little..loves little. "

I don't want to have a -little love- for my God....my Savior...others. I want a BIG love....a CRAZY love for my Jesus..my God..my Holy Spirit. I want to love others with this same kind of love.

...."Love the Lord your God with all your heart...with all your soul.....with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment (Matt.22:37,38)

The result is prayer...Bible study.....and loving others.

May I not be found...half hearted...luke warm....partially commited. Otherwise my life is wasted...and I will have missed out on the greatest lover to ever have pursued my soul.

Crazy Love....

Thanks David for the lead on this new book!! I am so excited to read it and want to share. I really enjoyed the website and think it's so relevant to today and it's really in line with what God has been impressing on my heart....that He is BIG.....HUGE...and so worthy of my praise and my crazy love!! check it out: http://www.crazylovebook.com/
red

Meditations of my Heart.....

As I drove home tonight from Recovery...I had tears of gratitude to Christ....to God my Father...the Holy Spirit for protecting me in all my stupidity....pride..arrogance. It was a night of listening to story after heart breaking story....and realizing.....Oh my gosh....you have completely protected me from this....and this....and this. If I do not do a 180 in certain areas of my life...that could be my story. If I do not seek You above all else.....make you the biggest....turn from idols....then I am left to my flesh.
The many ways that I have been completely selfish and rebellious are in my face. I am overwhelmed with gratitude tonight....challenged to dig deeper into my heart..... to unpack my sin which has been so neatly tucked away and covered with pride.

The other thing that God brought to mind...for the millionth time...is the never ending theme..... it's not about me. When will I ever get this through my thick stubborn self centered fleshly head.
After another job interview.....and not getting a particular job that seemed most fitting....I started to explain to some friends last night..what I thought I didn't do right...or how I must have conveyed the wrong thing in the interview..or maybe this woman felt threatened by me. The Lord spoke through my sweet friend Liz..she just looked up and said...or Tracy...maybe it's not even about you. Maybe He said no for someone else...for some other reason that you can't see...because we know it's sure not about us. SLAM! Honestly there was a tiny bit of pain in that....I thought for a moment.... someone else? Then just as quicky I felt embarrassed...then frustrated that I had missed it again!!!! I told her she was SO right. I was silenced. I lost sight of it.....the thing that keeps coming up over and over and over. It is not about me. ...it is about His glory. My pride....my selfishness strive to make it about me.

Thank you Lord for this place to be completely real. I pray you would change me from the inside out. Become greater that I might become less.

Recovery....

I am very excited to be going to a Bible study at The Village called Recovery. It has taken some time to get to this place. ..due to pride. I am thankful to be here. A place with other believers who desire to examine their hearts and deal with sin. It has been so good to be able to verbally admit my huge short comings. To come face to face with my idolatry....to acknowledge how deceitful my heart truly is....to know apart from Him... His grace...I am insufficent.

I have also started back reading a book When People are Big and God is Small. God has pointed out numerous ways that I have allowed Him to become so small. I ask His forgiveness.

....I see that every time I make God small.....I love less....my love can only be as big as my God. I don't have the power nor desire to love like He calls me to love...all I have to offer is a watered down version that runs out.

A quote from the book...."regarding other people, our problem is that we need them (for ourselves) more than we love them(for the glory of God) The task God sets for us is to need them less and love them more....instead of looking at ways to manipulate others, I need to ask God what my duty is toward them."

I see how completely self focused I am....not wanting to love some...because the bottom line is...they have nothing to give me. Wanting to love others because of what I think I will gain.

It's really sick and it shows my total depravity apart from Christ's love...apart from Him being BIG in my life.

I am really praying for God to become BIGGER in my eyes....the fear of the Lord is the begining of knowledge......from knowledge of Him...I know how to obey Him. ..to do His will....to walk by real faith. (thank you Lee for the reminder of what real faith is)

I have made Him so small....and it has affected everything. My love for others...my obedience....the ability to trust Him.

As I have been reading this book....it has continued to point me back to the Bible. The challenge to see God for who He is.....HUGE. I have put so many idols in the place of God that it's hard to follow Him. I don't trust Him like I should...because my eyes are not on Him. They are on the circumstances.... relationships....on my "needs." It's my pride and selfishness that keep me...from seeing the most magnificent....glorious....amazing.....larger than life...one and only living God.

I pray that I and everything else in my life becomes so small and that He becomes magnified above everything else....only then can I love..obey.. dare to walk by faith.

Just A Song I Love....

Old Hangar song that Saub made famous...wish he would record it....he brought it to life....such an awesome worship song.

Be Magnified....


I have made You too small in my eyes
Oh Lord, forgive me
And I have believed in a lie
That You are unable to help me.
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong
And in my eyes and with my song
Oh Lord, be magnified (bis)

[Chorus:]Be magnified, Oh Lord
You are highly exalted
And there is nothing You can't do
Oh Lord, my eyes are on You
Be magnified,Oh Lord, be magnified

[Verse 2]I have leaned on a wisdom of men
Oh Lord, please forgive me
And I have responded to them
Instead of Your light and Your mercy
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show yourself strong
And in my eyes and in my song
Oh Lord be magnified (bis)

MANY THOUGHTS....

I have so many thoughts and feelings I am trying to process over this election. It seems each day passing has revealed something new. I feel like something so huge...beyond my true understanding has happened. I feel as if many many many people are deceived. At the same time....I also feel so proud that our country has come to a place of reconcilliation that we have elected an African American as President. For many years I have had the opportunity to teach to my students about the life of MLK...and it was such a blessing to me as a teacher...to really impart to my students the importance of what took place and how we need to never repeat this part of history again. So....I must say that my uneasiness is not over race. My concern is over this man's background...over his views of morality...over his view of our country's defense...over how he will treat beloved Israel. It is interesting how this all played out. The major issues of the sancitiy of life and marriage seem to be completely pushed to the wayside by christians...God's very design for our life--that we are actually born-not murdered before our first breath...and that we are to procreate-by marriage-not homosexuality...to fill the earth..has been hugely over looked as side issues...or for so many not an issue at all any more. All the hope is placed on a better economy...better healthcare system..and on one man... Barak Obama.
I honestly don't think we know enough about this man's background. If even a fourth of the things I have heard alleged of him are true.....we are in for huge change alright....but one that I do not believe will be in the best interest for America. The damage that could be done will be irriversible.

I am shocked at the thoughts and views I have heard from many christians. I have never felt so alone in how I feel. Never felt like we are being so defeated and taken out one by one as believers....and never more responsible. Each day it is more and more obvious how the church has sat on the side lines...christians have sat out...I have sat out and just let someone else "take care of it" "stand up for it" "vote for it" "lead it'
How much longer will God's patience continue...before judgement comes. We seriously seem to think we can snub our noses to Him-since He doesn't exist... and turn our backs to happily chase after idol...after idol...after idol....putting our hope in anything but Him...thinking there will be no consequences....because we are American. Wow.

I started thinking about democracy today...and thought I had once heard something about it not lasting much more than 200 years based on history. I started to google democracy and came across this thought more than once...

Some have attributed this quote to Alexander Tyler:
"The average age of the world's greatest civilization has been two hundred years. These nations have progressed through this sequence.
From bondage to spiritual faith;
from spiritual faith to great courage;
from courage to liberty;
from liberty to abundance,
from abundance to selfishness;
from selfishness to complacency,
from complacency to apathy,
from apathy to dependency,
from dependence back into bondage

G. K. Chesterston:“I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on men unless they act.”

I see this happening.....men and women NOT acting...it just doesn't seem possible that we can keep going like this...we are very apathetic....crying out for someone to save us....we want someone to depend on...and Barak Obama seems just the man....only I pray we are not led back into a bondage...we are so full of ourselves and our greed I don't even think we would know what hit us till it was too late. The only hope in that.....we as a nation would be forced to cry out to the only living God that so many say doesn't exist...to save us....and He would be glorified once again as He deserves.

I pray that I am so wrong on all these thoughts...but my heart is so heavy and I can't shake it.

I know this should be a joyful time....to celebrate the victory of freedom and equality.....so many men and women of different nationalities have longed for a man of color...to be raised up...to be a strong and true leader. I myself have longed to see this day...but I wish it was a different man of color. Barak is persuasive....he is elegant...he is mysterious in many ways....he has stolen the hearts of the people. Even the comentators used the words..he is our hope.

Barak Obama is no more our hope than McCain would have been...or any other leader. Our only hope is Christ. Our only hope is to live out II Chronicles 7:14

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

I don't know that we are a humble enough people to literally do this....I don't know that we have chosen a leader that truly fears the God of the Bible...who takes God's words seriously. I can only pray that he will acknowledge God...see his need for the one true and living God outside of himself....and I can only become more educated about the issues that will be at hand and be faithful to speak when given the opportunity instead of waiting another 4 years.

Accept Responsibility

You are the one who ate the junk food.
You are the one who didn't say no!
You are the one who took the job.
You are the one who stayed at the job.
You are the one who chose to believe them.
You are the one who ignored your intution.
You are the one who abandoned your dream.
You are the one who bought it.
You are the one who didn't take care of it.
You are the one who decided you had to do it alone.
You are the one who trusted him.
You are the one who said yes to the dogs.


In order to complain about something...or someone, you have to believe that something better exist. You have to have a reference point of something you prefer that you are not willing to take responsibility for creating.

In order to make a change....you have to change. ...change involves risk. A risk that might be uncomfortable..difficult..or confusing. So, to avoid risk..we stay put and complain.

Take responsibility for choices made...stop complaining....
replace complaining with requests...take action...achieve your desired outcome.

~Jack Canfield The Success Principles pgs.10,11,12,13


This book is completely kicking my butt. It's great timing....since I am in the midst of some big changes in my life. Somewhere along the way.....I stopped taking responsibility for my actions....stopped chooseing joy.....stopped seeing my value in Christ and chose to say yes to some dogs. I have come to realize that when I allow myself to get entangled in sin......it is just that... an entanglement. Just like a sticky web...it may not always come right off....sometimes it is a process...there can be layers. The lesson comes in breaking free..... and strength is often born out of pain and struggle. I am asking God to continuously set me free of sin.... free of negative thoughts...negative attitude....negative relationships...to fix my eyes on Him the author and perfector of my faith...who for the joy set before Him endured the cross. May I accept responsibility for my actions and seek to change by courageously going before His throne of grace.

YAY!!

Whoo-Hoo!! I am so excited!! I have decided to start tutoring kids as my second job! I really miss getting to work with students! Awhile back some friends of mine invited me to come eat at this little Mexican restraunt here in town. While we were there I recognized a little deaf girl who was sitting alone. Her mom was working at the restraunt and I could tell this little girl was there for the evening till her mom got off work. I couldn't help but noticed her book bag. I started signing to her and she responded.....by the end I was looking over her homework. It was so fun!! I started to ask about tutoring her....but then decided to wait since I have been so up in the air about my life. I have thought about this little girl several times and wished I had said something. Well....last night I went back....this time I was alone. I had decided that if she was there....and wanted help then I would ask her mom about tutoring her once a week.
After being seated...I saw her sitting alone at a big table. I of course started to sign to her and ask her a few questions. I then asked if she wanted to sit with me. She's so little and cute..and her face just lit up!! She came over and ate dinner with me and we began signing and having conversation. We finished her assigned reading...which was fun and easy. The coneversation part was a challenge for me.....I am incredibly rusty with reading the signs....so I kept having to sign--again..and slow please! Ha..this was so frustrating...but in a good way. I am determined to get back the skills I have lost. I can't stand trying to communicate something and literally not having the word or "sign" to say it. So I must say when she pulled out her big Halloween library book...I got really nervous!! We actually made it through the story....I did have to bring the vocab. down a few levels...I hate doing that...it's exactly not what any child needs...especially a deaf child. More than any child...they need to learn and continuously be exposed to new vocabulary.
I am very much in awe of deaf people. They are so amazing. I can't imagine never hearing sounds...or missing a chunk of them. Then there's the struggle with speech due to the lack of never hearing sound. This little girl is becoming tri-lingual at 9 yrs old...she is learning Spanish...English and Sign. Wow! I just know she is going to be a blessing to my heart! It will be fun to see what God does in both our lives!
This brings me to my second job! I have been looking for something....even recently was talking to a tutoring agency....but last night...I realized I don't need to go through an agency. I just need to start my own business!! I can make so much more doing this than any of my other ideas! I am praying once again that God will put specific student's in my path that I can help and motivate them to do their best. I'm a little scared to start a business....but it doesn't sound too hard......I guess I'll find that out soon enough! =)

After the heart.....

I am content in this limbo place....I feel my heart has finally quieted down a bit. That's what He has surely been after...my heart. It's so neat how God will bring different people accross my path just to get to speak into it. Since too many times I am running....He finds ways to speak to me right where I am. What a good and loving Father He is indeed.

This past week...he used a few unsuspecting people.

Wanda the lady whom I rent my storage unit from spoke volumes to me regarding my hospital debt. I would have never expected to be encouraged and given a new perspective from her...but God just used her. She is quit older than I and has just recently gotten out of the hospital herself. She was so sweet and gave me such a precious new perspective about these bills and the reality of it all. It's not that I don't care anymore...but it's just not what life is about. I will do my best to do what is right....and I she really challenged me to be content in that. I walked away smiling and feeling as if a weight had been lifted. I am done carrying that one!

The next person who impacted me was someone who died this past month. I picked up Randy Pausch's The Last Lecture to read one night while I hung out with a friend at a coffee shop. It was really encouraging....he like Wanda.....gave me a completely different perspective on life. I am honestly not sure of his religious back ground...not quite finished with the book. All I knew when I first opened the book....was that I wanted to hear what he had to say...the man with 10 tumors in his liver...who knew he was dying...surely he would have some challenging perspective...and sure enough He did. I'm not even sure what I expected....but I got something completely different than I thought. His words really spoke to me....I felt challenged...as he listed out his dreams and shared how he got to accomplish them.....his dreams were unique to him. I realized that I haven't really stopped to think about the things the Lord has allowed me to accomplished till recently. I tend to think life is about the big events and I am always looking for the next thing...I wasn't counting the small accomplishments ....and in that was missing out on the richness they have brought to my life...the way they have made me more like Christ. When I think about the small accomplishments for the Lord...it really is amazing. Just taking the time to list some reminded me that my life has meaning and purpose.
He also changed my perspective on the brick walls in life. I have always looked at them as if they were just a big no. He reminded me that sometimes....they are not necessarily there to keep me out....but to keep the wrong thing out......more importantly they give me a chance to show how much I want something. What perfect timing...inlight of the fact that I have been preparing for this GRE test...I have definitely been seeing this test as a BIG brick wall. Now I see that it's for sure a " how bad do I want it". So...I am not discouraged. I do see that I am going to have to work extremely hard to be able to climb this...and maybe not even make it over the first time...if it's even God's will. I am actually starting to find joy in this place.... there's a tiny bit of excitement to be in a place where I am throwing out my net and waiting to see what God will do.

My final person God used to speak and encourage was Matt Chandler. I really can't say how much I appreciate him and his honesty. Tonight in Luke 14...he just kept pointing out over and over..that the one thing about Christ is that He wants my heart...."He is relentless for the heart...ruthlessly...and vilantly He goes for my heart. If I want to follow Christ I must die to self. In Heb.'s it states Christ Himself died....for the joy set before Him ...He endured the cross. Matt then shifted to the joy part....how different this is from happiness. Ugghh..nailed again...so true and oh so challenging...to have joy in all circumstances. My quote from Matt tonight...."Chase joy..it's like gold!" Finally he came back to the heart....do I engage my heart?...or do I run from it? Man....I just sat there unable to leave at the end...thinking of the many things he stirred up in me. I just know there are some things that God wants to deal with in my heart...can't even say I know exactly what. Honestly I'm scared...it's never fun to have our heart exposed for all that is there. Matt couldn't have pointed it out better... We run from our hearts...as in....we will do anything but deal with the heart. Usually we get busy...sign up for something...get a new Piper book...or memorize another verse. I can see how I run.....I've been guilty of all these things. I am not even quite sure why I am running. It's funny how with all my knowledge of who God is....I still run. I pray this week I will slow down....I pray in His love, kindness, and patience He would not give up on me...according to His Word..... He promises me He won't. He who began a good work in me...will be faithful to complete it.

A Stone of Rememberance....

I just want to say how grateful I am tonight. God has started speaking to me....or maybe it's just that I am finally listening. He has given me some hope.

I am so blind to who this great God is...the only One who ever pursues my heart. His never wavers....even when I am faithless...He is constantly faithful.

Yesterday, I decided to email someone whom God allowed to impact my life severl years ago. He and his wife were the very first people I met at Denton Bible. I was under his leadership for a few years...and to this day I know God used Him to teach me what it means to truly be a servant leader....what discipleship looks like. To love those you lead so much that you might not just impart the gospel of Christ.....but your very life.

I happen to exchange an email and I just felt moved to be honest with him and ask him the age old question...how do you know God is calling you to something?
He wrote back and told me of the book Visioneering..by Andy Stanley. He offered to let me borrow it....but I knew at my lunch break I would run by Barnes and Noble....just to see if it was there and read his recommended chapters. Well...I got there...and wouldn't you know it...there was one copy...just waiting for me. I sat down to read...and I couldn't put it down. I knew I had to buy it.
The book has really been an amazing encouragement to me in this very confusing and frustrating place. I haven't felt a book speak to me like this in awhile. It's a book that you have to chew on....write a little..and even pull out your Bible and read the stories for yourself.

The book is about being aware of God's vision for your life. At one point he states..."Find me a believer who is no longer faithful to the cause of Christ and I will show you a man or woman who has no vision from God, no sense of divine destiny. Such people have either lost it....or never had it."pg.58
Yikes....for sure didn't want to be the one who never had it...that scared me. I know I am His...and He must have a plan for me. So I decided that I had lost it. I started trying to remember a vision He had given me...and at what point I had lost it.......and then the pieces came together...

Several years ago....God began burdening my heart for the Fry street area of Denton....it's like the Deep Ellum of Dallas. I used to just drive down the streets and pray over them the last few years of college ....it did feel a little weird at first...but the streets were always full of interesting looking people and it was as if God was saying... look at them....in their eyes..see how lost they are...how much they are in need of Me.
There is one street that I would always go down to get to Fry street...it has tons of big houses...and one night I thought to myself...how cool if I could have a huge house like that....not just for me....but for girls to live in. I had no idea....what kind of girls..at the time I was volunteering with the highschool ministry and thought maybe troubled teens. I just kept driving down those streets on random nights...praying for that area. I remember even journaling about it as one of my dreams...not really thinking it would happen...but just so God would know I thought it was something cool. It wasn't until about three years later...after I started serving with the college minstry..that I started praying for a small group to lead....as I was praying God literally placed the girls in my path...one even had a broken down car after church one Sunday....I told her I couldn't fix her car....but I could take her to lunch. It was at that lunch I threw out the idea of the small group and asked if she would like to be in it. She actually knew of a few other girls....and there formed our group. In our group there was a student who was passionate about greek students....I encouraged her to pursue it...to start a Greek Ministry ....I even visited her Bible study....and I remember thinking...wow..that is so neat that she has that kind of vision..passion for a group of people. It's so great for her...I could never minster to sorority girls. I know nothing about that. It was about three years later that God used her to connect me to the postion as a sorority house director. I told her she was crazy at first...but it was as if God quietly asked...why not? Never in a million years would I have ever thought I could have or would have done that. It was after my interview that I remembered my journal......and how I had wanted a big house full of girls...then I remembered all the nights I would drive down the Fry street area and pray...the sororoity houses are just around the corner of Fry Street. God allowed me to love and serve the girls for three years and He raised up girls to lead a Bible study...He sent an awesome couple with Campus Crusade for Christ to come along side and help and train in ways I never could. I am truly amazed....and at the point where I was weary....and honestly started to take too much of it on my own shoulders....He pulled me out.
I know there is a lesson to learn in this.....Andy mentions this in one of the chapters..... how we can so easily forget who did the work...and who gets the glory. Very insightful and something I need to meditate on.
I can not even tell you how encouraging it is to write this...to remember all that God did.....and it was nothing I could have done.
I have felt frustrated at God for not speaking...a bit like I have been on the bench....and wanting God to tell me what is next...but before He can...I need to take this lesson to heart. I am prideful and I slowly without even realizing it....lost my dependence on Him in several different ways over the last two years I was there. I see my need to come back to Him in complete dependence.

As of now....He has only given me a single word. I know this is where some frustration has come from...and why things haven't made sense. I have been trying to figure out how to apply this word.....make it what I think it should be....when I have no idea where or what.... and now I for sure realize from reading this book....I am not in control of the how. I am so very thankful for His faithfulness. I see that it's ok that all I have is this one word.....I see that I need to press into Him....PRAY so much more....become more dependent on Him...as I once was. It means setting aside my flesh and the things it wants.... to seek Him first...then all these things shall be added...and in time...when I am ready... He can reveal more.
He knows I have bills and debt...He knows I can't stand this place...the mundane ...but He cares more about the state of my heart and preparing it for the next place...than my comfort. He is the only one who truly knows the deepest desires of my heart and the greatest and best way to fulfill them to bring Him much glory. So...I'm going to finish reading and underlining this book.....and keep asking Him to break my heart that I might learn how to depend on Him.

A Glimpse to Keep Going....

Ok.....I have to share this...because it's another piece of the puzzle.

I had a huge break through last night after talking with a friend. It was a reconciliation...and coming a little more to then end of me. There is nothing like a friend who will listen to your heart...even when you think you want to punt it. A friend who will let you just say all the things you feel even if your thinking is completely wrong and off....they just give you the freedom to vent. This person was so kind...and giving... to let me share my heart....to listen to my anger...and let me throw out the things I am so scared that God might be asking me...and then challenge me back with the what if's till I had nothing left to say. I am so thankful for his encouragement and for believing in me...that I won't punt it...for displaying a gentle boldness...in the way he challenged my wrong thinking....but doing it with kindness and huge amounts of grace.
At some point it came up about Southwest Airlines....and how the door was closed ...I explained that it was months ago....I had at least moved on from that ...but I still had no idea why I didn't get it...and I shared with Him a conversation I had with God regarding the whole thing.
Well....today I am at work....and I rarely answer my cell at work..but I noticed a call that had no number. So mostly out of curiosity I answered it..thinking it would be a bill collector! =) It turned out to be my flight recruiter for Southwest Airlines...the person I interviewed with. She is so bubbly and sweet! I absolutely loved her...I was so surprised to get the call.
She knows a friend of mine and wanted to call and let me know why I didn't get picked. I was so nervous to hear why I didn't get it...but she said she thought it would help me. It turns out....they chose me...loved me...wanted me...said I had what they were looking for....BUT...I didn't pass the background check. I almost died when she said it....??? what could I have done??!! She then tells me...that the background committee stated I had too many jobs in the past 10 years. I'm like WHAT??? Then it hit me how working 2 jobs for the past several years .... must have looked on paper!!! I was trying to be honest...so I put down my second jobs...even the summer jobs I had taken while teaching. =)
I really think it's funny now. I worked hard...tried to pay off debt...and I was disqualified! Kinda goes along with the hospital asking me on Monday if I was pregnant??--no.. married????--no...sorry you don't qualify for finacial assistant. LOL!!! What the heck!!

I then tried to calmly explain...that I had been trying to pay off my debt...and the employment dates over lapped....etc...etc. She was SO SO sweet about it. She realized what I was saying....and I realized that she had no control over this....I completely understand their position...they have so many applicants to go through. She was SO encouraging about it...I thanked her so much for calling...it was really kind of her to do it....I'm sure she has a million other things she could have been doing.
It was then that I realized how very closed this door is....I could never be hired by them...and I told her in closing...I am currently looking for a new job... hahaha

I'm so out...but it's refreshing to know it was nothing I did wrong. So once again it's not about me...will I ever get it?? It is supposed to be about God and His will. Without me even knowing God gave a very firm no. It would take an act of Him to change it. It was very gracious of Him to allow me to see behind the scenes today. He didn't have to do that....I can see how much He wants me to trust Him and how much I don't. I can't punt it now. He must have something better for me if He completely shut this down. He is so patient with me. I'm stubborn and I want things my way...or what I think works best. I am remembering my conversation I had with Him after the interview....and it seems to be confirming something. Something I am honestly afraid of....but something He really may be asking me to do...only time and more waiting will make it clear.

Being broken....

I must lol to keep from crying. ...for the past month or more....I have been working out...as in running.....drinking tons of just water-no carbonation or even my favorite sweet tea!!!!....cutting out all sweets.....and really trying to be healthy. What did I get?? A freakin biliary tube that still spased out on me...and sent me into one of the most painful attacks in a years...about 11 hours worth of pain. The last time I felt that much pain was when I needed my emergency gall bladder surgery. So I spent all of the end of last week in the ER... at 2 hospitals for tests...and doctor's offices. And I got about $4000 worth of debt...and I wasn't even trying. The only two things that come to mind are......I can control absolutely NOTHING....and God is breaking me down. God conitnues to deal with the rebellion in my heart...there is still so much anger. He continues to work in ways I would not fathom. I am still wrestling with Him...with life...what I am supposed to be doing. I have been looking into speech assistant stuff..master's degree and....I'm just not convinced. It's so humbling...embarrassing to be here. I have never been this girl. So lost and confused. Recently missions has come back to my mind. I have so many frustrations...questions....and mostly fears.

It's Amazing.....

and honestly I am humbled tonight. I have been so blinded by my sinful heart that I lost sight of the truth...when we are most honest with God....about what is in our heart...no matter how yucky or sinful....then He can move and work in and through us. It's so hard to be that real sometimes...my pride keeps up the defenses and I in turn miss out on His blessings. I am so thankful for a small breakthrough tonight. A dear friend .....gave my information to a contact so that I could get more information on grad school and my options in the Speech Pathology field. How very kind of you Cristyn...thank you for remembering and following through on that.
I have still been wavering a bit with real estate or speech path....mostly leaning towards the speech. Since Jamie had encouraged me to check into being an speech path. assistant.... I hadn't really found much in the field where I live...so that was discouraging. I wasn't sure that option was something I could do, but after talking with this new connection tonight...I am greatly encouraged that it is an option. I was also very inspired and motivated that I could get my master's degree as well. I believe and have the confidence that I could really do it. It would be pretty cool to be the first in my family with a master's degree......or just the awesomeness(is that a word?=) of working so hard towards it...I believe it would be amazing....BUT I just can't get past the debt.... when there is an option to be debt free as an assistant and get paid well.
With my honesty in saying that I desire to be married and have kids....I just don't think getting back into thousands of dollars of debt is what I need to do at this point. I really want to consider my future...and how close I am to paying off all my debt!!! I also think it might be possible at some point to save and take classes here and there if I still want it.
To top off the evening...after one phone call....I had an offer from a friend to get my much need clinical hours...if it is approved by her supervisor. This would allow me to become a certified speech assistant. So I am praying for God to open up this opportunity. I am so excited just to see God move and work...open up options.. and encourage my heart. I see how much He loves me and needs for me to be real and honest with Him.....lay it all out on the table. It's oh so humbling to admit our deepest needs...frustrations...places we're wrong. I see a ton of pride built up in me...and that has really hurt me these past several years. It truly is a challenge to be a christian for so long and stay humble.....lowly....not having the mindset of.... I know this or that....I don't have to read my Bible tonight cause I've read it for at least 15 years now....and before too long...it hasn't been cracked in days...weeks...months. The I... I.. I......continues to grow....it's so ugly and I am seeing more clearly now. I have become so prideful and in need of His humbling. Even now as I write this I know that I am not where I have been or should be....but where He can work on my heart and make it soft once again. I cringe to think of how hardened some of it actually is.....I appreciate some recent conversations with a couple of people. Without even knowing it...the words and responses of your heart shed light on the yucky pride in mine. I pray He continues to clean and renew it. I don't like this person I have become over these past few years...oh how easy it is to put on the face and proudly bring our offerings...all the while God is pleading...demanding...even fighting to have our whole heart...because that is how much He loves us.

Even In A Funk....He loves me.

So I was...am still a bit frustrated.....but I have stayed away from any bridges. =)

This place is so challenging. I see the funk rising to the top of my heart. I know I need to humble myself before the Lord....for several reasons. It's just so hard....I honestly have the worst attitude...and I know it. I think the most amazing thing...the one thing that I cling to....is that in this funk ---CHRIST LOVES ME. Right here...where I am..the me who has not been reading her Bible like she should....not praying near enough.....having no patience for her co workers....the not caring girl---He still loves. When I am...and many a times I am faithless.....Oh how He is so so so so faithful.
I'm so irritated with me...it's in places like this that I see what I'm made of...and it's really ugly lately. This is a time for me to press in....not give up, run--there's no where to run anyway, or my most recent choice a bit of rebellion. I know it in my head....I really need it to flow to my heart. God is so good and gracious...inspite of me...and this bad attitude. I have never ever deserved such a love like His.
There truly is good news to be shared here.....He is working on my heart and there are things to be thankful for....I must stop to say... thank you to any person who has lifted me up in prayer. I believe that is what is making a difference. I give all glory to God for anything good that happens in my heart or life. Just in the past two days I have begun to see God open up some options.
I really thought a few post ago....that I would end up pursuing my real estate license, but when I sat down several times to sign up for the classes online and pay...I just couldn't do it. I even told my boss at our agency--I'm going to do it--thinking it would motivate me.....and then I'd just have to do it. ahaha....I could NOT do it. I had been thinking of how well I could do in this field...how I can talk to almost anyone...and I love to help people. So I was again frustrated when it didn't make any sense....until it came to me last night when I was spending time with my friend Melinda. I realized that for me to feel used....it's more than just making a connection with someone....I feel most used if I can make an impact in their life...on their heart. Real estate definitely lets you connect with someone....but just because you sell or lease them a building doesn't mean you have a chance to really make a difference in their life...or even get close to their heart. I have watched these meetings go down. It's business as usual.
I also realized from spending time with Melinda's awesome kids how much I miss impacting kids lives. I can just connect with them...it such a precious thing. No....this is not the part where I tell you I am going to teach again!! I just can't jump back on that ride. ..but I can tell you God has used some dear friendships to encourage me to not give up...to persevere to this place. The past few days God's been using Melinda and Jamie from NC. Jamie I can't thank you enough for pointing me back to speech pathology. Your thougths and wisdom have given me hope...to go back down a path I had pretty much written off. I am checking into getting my speech pathology assistant's license. That would be so amazing because I wouldn't have to go back to school...but in the midst of not wanting to go back....I have actually been entertaining the thought of going back. =) I have always wanted to finish my degree at some point...but I haven't been very confident I could do it. The timing may be right now...it is certainly the perfect time of year to try getting into grad school. The only awful part is the GRE....but I looked at some things on line....and I actually became hopeful. For me...this will take some major courage. I have battled so many negative thoughts in my head already. It will be one of the greatest challenges since I got emergency certified to teach...now that was crazy--doing my first year of teaching..taking classes..grading papers... and trying to pass both exit tests. Obviously I lived to tell about it and I passed both tests the first time!
I am going to keep praying for God to keep moving me in the right direction. The idea of making a difference in kids lives...as in helping and encouraging them in a weakness could be so amazing. As we all know anything really good in life....cost something.....but in the end it is so worth it. I'm going to head down this road and see where it takes me. I see several different opportunitues that could open up and for the first time in a long while....I am so excited to see which ones do! =)

AAAAHHHHH...

I am so stinkin frustrated!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know that I can stay at this current job much longer. I think if there had been a bridge near by...I would have jumped today! I won't go into any details about how frustrating my work environment is...I don't even get it!!!!!!! How the heck can someone totally get away with this crap!!! I have never seen anything like this...any other company would not put up with this crap!!!!! I know it!!! I want out so bad...but have no where to go. I have even thought about quiting and waiting tables. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH.......
I know this is not an encouraging post at all...but that is about how I feel. Discouraged and frustrated....and once again stuck.....just in a different kind of stuck. =( I need a new job...a new life. I have to....got to...must... make a change. I need for God to open a door...every option so far has been like hitting my head on a brick wall. I am weary from this place...I never want to be that person that doesn't care....but I can honestly see how people get there.

My choices.....

There is always something to be thankful for.....thank you Nace for reminding me...at least I do have choices. Since not getting the job at SWA....yes I am still a tiny bit sad about their bad decision....
I will share the top choices I am praying over...there is one I am considering over the rest...but we shall see what happens in the last quarter!

My choices...

In no paticular order.....


My dear friend Melaine who is a traveling nurse....in the great state of Hawaii has thrown out to me the idea of coming to live there and teaching. She knows of some teachers there.....huuummm...that is one place I would actually consider the idea of grading papers again. I do really miss my students...love the age I taught!! Just not the politics. I absolutely can't play their games anymore. They killed my creativity..stressed me to the max... and it never seemed to be enough at least in the district I was in. Oh how I loved my students and parents. Could it be different....I always wonder....are there better expereinces out there. I gave it 5 years...was that not enough....could the beach make it better??? hahaha

I have my undergraduate in speech pathology...could go back to school....for a master's degree...but the GRE...eewww...just the thought of that..I don't know....BUT it would be so fun to work with kids again..and I could even work in a hospital scene. I did some clinical observations at various hospitals in college and really liked it. That could take at least 2 years and some money...as in debt....uugghhh I have knocked my debt(college/hospital) from $32,000 to right at $7,000...in the end I am sure I would make good money to be able to pay the rest of it off.....but man..I've worked so stinkin hard at two jobs for so long... to get this far....

My awesome sister works for At&T and is really trying to get me on there. I have no idea if I would like the work....but I am sure I would like the pay from what I hear...it's pretty darn good. I could pay off my debt in a year...there would be new opportunies there. Still waiting for an interview.........

I currently work at a commercial real estate office doing property management....I really enjoy the accounts and owner's I work with...I have tons of flexibility with my hours and my boss is awesome. I have the money to be able to get my license and start selling......I never in a million years would have thought I would be an agent. Then again...I never thought I would be a teacher either..it wasn't till I signed the first report card to send a student to second grade that it became the real deal for me! I do get excited to help people and I think it's an awesome thing to be able to help someone find a property.. to be able to start or expand their business. I have a fascination with the field....but so scared to jump into this....I think I could be good at it...but what if I'm not. =)

Finally....there is missions....I can't help it...it's still out there...on my heart. I had thought if I was still at the sorority house I would take next summer and go.....but with the way things have turned out....I just feel very convicted to pay off the most recent debt I have.....and the rest of what is left from school. It's been a goal of mine since 1999 when I occured the nice big emergency surgery debt along with my college loans. God has been so faithful to me...and taught me so much about money through all of this. I just want to be free from any debt...it is a huge goal and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!!! I just know..... I will be so so so free when it's paid...and I will have stuck to something and finished it well.
I don't really have any direction as to where to go with missions....except there is an orphanage in Brazil I would love to check out...Africa is a place that keeps coming to mind...would love to meet my World Vision child in Kenya...and Cape Town seems amazing. I am wondering at some point....if God might open a door for this and will give me a clear opportunity.

So there they are...my choices and thoughts. I am praying over these. I lay them at His feet and really pray He will move my heart strongly in the right direction...slam doors closed!! =) I know I shouldn't be...but I'm a bit scared...I think that's what's keeping me paralized!! I just want do something I enjoy and not feel trapped in it. Time and money are slipping away. I have to make a decision soon. =)

In a Funk....

I haven't written in awhile.....I guess I've been in a bit of a funk. I've been told I'm just in the waiting room. It definitely feels more like funk. I don't really like it.....I really am a happy...fun person....but this place...seems to pull me down. Something's gotta give.
I got to spend some sweet time with my dad yesterday....it was so precious...and yet I was left with a sadness that hung over my heart today. I think for the first time....I realized a bit more about my dad's disease. I don't want to say too much out of respect for my dad...but I will share the one thing that resonated with me. My dad has about 10 years before this disease could get really bad..as in dyalsis. So I asked my dad....how you going to spend your ten years...he laughed and avoided the question by asking me what I would be doing in 10 years and if he could have one of my kidneys...he might need it! Of course I would give my dad my kidney...but after the laughter....that question stuck with me.... what do you do with 10 years of good health....it brought me back to a contemplative place...what am I doing with my years?? It made my decision seem more important....I don't want to waste the time I'm given....and so this career decision looms over me. I must make one soon. I feel a bit paralized. A few things have come my way...but they just don't seem right..or maybe it's just I never thought I would end up doing one of these jobs. Then of course there's the age old question of God's will..or is it just a left or right. I have been a christian long enough to know in my head......that God is in the process of reshaping me...to make me into what He wants me to be. My heart doesn't really like it....it's painful in many ways....but not any more painful than the places you have been. I want an answer now....but it just might be wait. I am praying over the things that I can see before me....still unsure. I am holding out a bit longer......maybe God will put something else on the table....but I know I am going to have to make a decision soon--mostly due to finances. Lately I have been craving a place to hideway just for a bit...it just seems like if I had a place where everything stopped it would be easier to decide. It's so easy to be focused on the wrong things. I don't want to be discouraged. I am trying to keep coming back to the Lord and praying for direction. I know I'm not alone in this place...I am encouraged by a few others that are also searching to find their place in this world. Recently a dear friend was kind to share with me---none of us have it figured out...if we are really honest...we are all trying to find that place that God wants us to be. It felt so good to be reminded I'm not alone.
So I weigh the options...pray...wait...and watch... for Him to unfold the next piece of His perfect plan for my life.

In A Shadow of Sadness....

I am so sad today. It's probably the fact that I am moving again...and reminded that there is no real home here. I am limited in what I can say for various reasons. There are some situations that have made my heart so sad. As I kept trying to "rise above it"..God allowed a dear friend to call... I shared a bit with her.....and after hanging up...I realized that what I long for is heaven.
I can't wait till I will be in a place where the focus is totally and completely...Christ. There will be unbroken fellowship...no goodbyes...no separation....there will be such sweet community. A place where christians won't be flakey....hold grudges...or be too busy......I won't be misunderstood...or put in a category based on single or married...I will have more brothers and sisters than I can count...love will be perfected and sin will not be present. I am a bit disheartened tonight. Everything around me is just not how it is supposed to be. I long for a home..not an earthly dwelling...this longing is for something so much deeper... I know it's for the community that will only exist in heaven. This past Sat. really created a stirring in my heart...it was this taste of something that I want more of....my sadness is over the fact that it just can't exist here...at best we get a glimpse or a taste. I can only imagine how Paul felt....but must do what he did....until God calls me home......so I press on...take it a day at a time...even when I don't "feel" like it.

The Good Stuff....can't be taken.

Last night was one of the sweetest nights in awhile. I tried to savor every moment. It was a night full of so many emotions. For starters....a dear brother in Christ whom I have know since he was in 7th grade got married...to a very sweet and Godly woman whom I also was blessed to have spent time with...it was so neat to see how God had brought them together.
It was also a bit of a small reunion of dear dear friends...whom I was so blessed and feel honored to have served with in ministry many years ago.
I almost fell over when I saw Nace there to do the ceremony... but instead of falling..I ran down a gravel road like a crazy woman to give him a huge hug! I couldn't believe it! Then of course there was Jennifer "Skainer" & David Martin and Sean& Jennifer Fitzgerald!! I literally did not want the night to end. I just about cried sitting there at the reception. I have the funnest, craziest, and sweetest Christ centered, memories with these guys. We tried calling a few others in the old JV gang..I was so so sad we couldn't get a hold of Vandana "Brownie" and Kathleen "Katz" to join us.
Just that taste of being around such amazing people who love Jesus...took me back...and then to the present again.... as I looked around and saw so many "kids" from the JV ministry all grown up...several married. Then looking at my fellow leaders with their spouses.... knowing they were all parents as well.....I was in awe of all that God had done. Towards the end of the night...when they had to go....and each one slipped away...back to their lives....to their families.....there was a huge sadness that came over my heart...I must say I have been wrestling with it ever since.
There are a few places and times that I am reminded that I am single... a wedding is usually one of them...this wedding with old and dear friends...who have amazing spouses and kids definitely did it. It was for sure one of the sweetest nights...and in the end it was one of the loneliest. I hate that it's true. I wish I was super christian girl...who could never let these dumb feelings and lies come over her....but I'm not. It wasn't even that I was jealous of what they had....I just didn't want them to leave....I wanted us all to be together again. I know all the logical awesome reasons for appreciating my singleness....but as they each went away...back to their lives...I was left feeling so empty. Wondering and questioning....trying to fight the lies that seemed to want to take a place in my heart and mind. I am truly thankful for this place that God has me. There is a reason beyond me that I am here. But I absolutely miss having a group that I was apart of....such dear friends that I could always be 100 % myself with..... laugh with and at each other....the kind you stay up with late into the night discussing God and life......that connection that goes beyond the surface. I miss being around Godly men who love Jesus...who openly share what God is teaching them through His Word....and fight to struggle well. You guys were such servants to us crazy girls...and you were so fun....we shared so much laughter...and wrestling matches!! You were so kind to open up to us...to love and truly serve us as brothers. It is rare that I meet men like you these days. Too many flakes. You truly are the cream of the crop.
I feel so blessed to know each of you and to have served along side you in ministry. What a gift those years were to my life.
Sitting in church tonight....God was so sweet to meet me where I was. Through the worship....my focus was brought back to Christ..and yes... how it's so not about me..but about worship and loving God. Gotta love Matt Chandler. He really brought it home. Luke 10...love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength...and your neighbor as yourself. I was reminded once again of what is truly important. It's not about being married...or being single...but it's about loving God with all my heart and soul..etc...and loving my neighbor ....the kind of love that cost me...as it cost the Samaritan who helped the man who was robbed--unlike the Priest and Levite...who passed up the opportunity to love--they were too focused on their selves. It's about being more like Mary and sitting at His feet...choosing the good part every day-which is Christ....because He can't be taken from me. I am thankful for this ache in my heart..it's ok if it stays with me....because it means I love you so deeply and it reminds me that only He can fill up the emptiness to over flowing...and one day... we will be together... forever. =)

It's Gonna Be Alright.....

So after me getting in the fender bender...now my mom was in one last night....only hers was a bit worse. Her airbag went off and they towed her car. Her message sounded like she was ok....she's at home-thank goodness. I couldn't get a hold of her last night. I am praying she is good today and no further damage done. I also found out that my dad's kidney disease went from stage 2 to stage 3 last week. There are only 5 stages. I honestly don't know much about it...except stage 5 is bad and that is when they start dialysis...which the doctor says won't be another 10 or 15 years. I really hope for that....but stage 2 to 3 went a bit quick.
It's just another reminder of how precious life is...and we never know what is going to happen. I feel so blessed to have such amazing parents. They both love the Lord so very much. They are both very serving and giving people. They have made their fair share of mistakes...but have always been willing to work through things with each of us if we communicated with them. They have instilled in me what it looks like to love Christ and walk with Him daily. As a child I would wake up for school and when I came in the kitchen for breakfast...my dad's Bible and the Daily Bread would always be open and typically he would leave me a note to read over something that morning...or it would just say...you are valuable...I love you, dad. I now get the Daily Bread...it makes me smile every time I see it...and reminds me of the importance of putting God first. I can't say that I am a morning person like my dad...but I do strive to walk daily with Christ. My mom and dad are still together after almost 35 years and they have been so faithful to their commitment. They truly are best friends. I love my parents so much...they definitely taught me a lot....but I think the most valuable things were caught not so much taught. So I am thankful for the many years given and pray for many more....but am reminded that any time we have with those we love is such a gift. We need to enjoy every moment. Let nothing keep us from each other...or expressing God's love....beloved let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. The one who does not love...does not know God, for God is love. It's not so strange that He says just before this.... greater is He who is in you..than he who is in the world. I think the greatest challenge we have is to truly love like Christ..and it can be so hard...especially with our family...they can be the hardest to love sometimes...because they know us so well...and nothing is hidden. We absolutely need a power greater than ourselves to be able to truly extend love. Oh how our motives are so wacked...many times...even when we "seek to do good"...it's just those filthy rags.
I just pray that I can take these words to heart....Beloved, if God so loved us- me-Tracy...I ought to love one another. I pray I would truly love....and not be self absorbed. Again...I am reminded it's not about me....my "rights" but His glory. I must write this a million times.

Oops!!!

Ok...so on a not so Godly note! I rear ended someone last night!!! uuuggghhh
We were both about to enter a service road that leads to the on ramp...there are always cars flying around the corner...she gunned it...then braked! I had already hit the gas to go. What a buuummmer!!! She didn't speak any English. So all I could do was write down my information. I felt so bad. I made sure she was alright...the damage wasn't bad..and she could drive her car. So after giving her my information...I decided to leave because it was very dark out...and I had no idea who would be coming...I didn't feel very safe. We were in the old Bennigans parking lot in Lewisville.
I was so frustrated at myself....feeling very dumb....no other word for it. This is all I will write because I would like to forget it happened and be thankful I am ok! I know God will provide whatever the outcome.
I am going to finish up this awesome week....by going to the cheesy Denton fair tonight....but it will be so fun...cause I'm going with the coolest co worker ever--Melinda!! We always manage to have a fun time and find something to laugh about! =)

Another page turns....

God made me laugh tonight...

I have been looking for a place to live.....there are other girls that were promised a spot in this absolutely amazing house of estrogen...so I have to move on. I have been a bit sad...because I absolutely LOVE it here. I have been so very blessed. There couldn't have been a better place to be after living in the Phi Pi house. I have a very sweet roommate..shout out to Chrystal!! I have an amazing land lord Brenda!! Whoot whoot! I have been so loved here. God really put some sweet touches on this place.. my room reminds me a bit of my old room...cause I have a little sitting area. I never expected the swimming pool...but isn't that just like God...just when we need it...to give that extra little something. What an amazing couple of months.

I have been praying about where to next...I have had two precious friends offer their places...and normally I would have accepted...but due to not having health insurance--bad bad bad-I know!!! I don't have the proper med's...to be able to live with animals right now. Which I still have talks about with God...cause I love love love dogs...and I can't lie...one day I will have to have one...but I will wait till I have health insurance. =)

So..today was a day of doors opening...and closing... opening.. and closing. I had a few sweet sweet precious friends throw out some ideas...just that in it's self made me so grateful....and reminded me again.. how big God is.....that He cares where I am..even if I have NO idea where I am going. =)

I called the Sumrall's around 2 p.m. today to see if I was going to be able to live with them again...they are like my grandparents and I think the world of them. I can't even believe they are in their 80's now. Unbelievable. I was so excited at the thought of just being around them again. I love their heart for people and missions. So I got a hold of Mel and he told me that they had got a confirmation that someone was going to live in the spot I wanted. Not going to lie..I was sad. I had such a great plan for my life! I had been praying for God's best...how could anything be better than the Sumrall's ...but I knew I had prayed for God's will. I called another family I had thought of....but they wouldn't have an opening till Nov. Ok...so now I'm thinking God just might be closing the door on Denton. Just as the thought crossed my mind..a dear friend called who knew of a place in The Colony....and then my sister called and offered something to me in Ft Worth...and then the possibility of a job in Ft Worth came up. So now I'm really confused....is it the Colony...maybe it's Ft Worth? By now it's 5 p.m. and I am headed home...just trying to figure out what God might be up to. I had not really been open to living in Ft Worth..never thought of the Colony...I must admit...have even said I will never live in Ft Worth. Which is hillarious...cause I know better than to ever say that. I just kept praying and being encouraged by a precious friend to think outside the box....be open. So just as I was contemplating this Ft Worth thing...and thinking about how that might could work... I had a missed call.. after listening to the message.....it was Mel calling and offering me the room. The other person had cancelled!!!!!!!!!!!! I just thought it was so funny. I couldn't help but think... God did you really have to wait 5 hours to decide it to tell me it was a yes instead of no. I know God knows all things...it's not like He changes His mind. Oh..I know it was apart of His plan--to shape me. =)

Seriously....God is like nothing I have ever known. His ways are so not ours...and it is very evident He is teaching me to trust Him and to be open to go where He leads. After being reminded of Sam and His amazing faith ....I see that it's one thing to say I trust or believe, but it's another to walk it out...all the way to the death...of whatever I must die to...my ideas...my thoughts.. my ways.

Some deaths are more painful than others.

I am happy to say that I had complete peace about accepting the spot with Mel and Patty. What an awesome privilege to get to be near them once again. I know God isn't done with moving me around. I still have no idea what job I will end up with..but I am learning that it's okay to not know. It doesn't mean my life has any less importance or that God has forgotten to have a plan for me.There was a purpose in the 5 hours. I could guess at what it was...but the bottom line is only God knows and He truly does give me...and you.. best--when we wait on Him. Could his best still be Ft Worth...maybe...but I just have the greatest peace about the Sumrall's. This waiting and trying to figure out His will is so hard sometimes!! I pray that I won't falter in the job search...I still don't know where He will lead me...it still could be commuting to Ft Worth for all I know....but I really pray that I will hold fast to His promises and really cling to Him for His direction. I pray I will accept His no's with as much grace as I accept His yes's...and see it for what it is...His goodness and protection...ultimately His love.

A Tribute to Sam....

Today is the anniversary of the death of a friend....he was one of the most courageous guys I've met in a very long time. Yes, he was a marine....but he was so much more...he was a true solider of Christ. I have had the experience of seeing a few people die from cancer....I can't say that I have seen anyone battle cancer like Sam. In a day and age...where we don't always believe the miraculous...Sam believed..absolutely believed that God would heal him....to his very last breath...he believed. He claimed victory over death....and in all his prayers and scriptures..that he read..had us read to him...he came forth as gold.

I had the privilege of spending time with Sam about a month before he died...and he had me laughing so hard and eating ice cream...this man who had a tube in his stomach to clean out anything he ate....played a joke on me and had me rolling...I couldn't believe he was as sick as he was....and before we left..we prayed..it was such a sweet and powerful prayer. I knew when I walked out that door that I may not see him again till heaven...but for the first time since loosing other relatives to cancer and feeling so disheartened....I decided to continue to pray just as Sam was praying....for healing. I decided to trust in God once again...that He knew best...but I would lay all that I had at His feet....I fasted and prayed like I have never done in my life.....God changed me and gave me the faith to truly believe that if He so desired..in a moment...with one word....I knew that Sam..could be healed and just as Lazarus woke from death...Sam could be freed from cancer.

With each passing day...it seemed that God was desiring to bring Sam closer to Him....I was praying harder for mercy and no pain...I was begging God for a miracle...I reminded God of what He could do with a young man who is 24..who was broken and empty for Him...and God reminded me that He loved Sam the most..and He had a plan for him. I kept praying and I would read the updates...that Sam was still believing God for a miracle. So at the point that I wanted to waver in my prayers...and pray...just take him Lord..I would change my prayer to heal him Lord....because I knew that that Sam was still believing in God to heal him. I know this because of the emails and blogs posted on his behalf......but nothing stirred my heart like the truth shared at his memorial service...of what he did hours before he passed.
Before Sam's transition into heaven ....he tried to make his way to the bathroom to see a mirror...they helped him get to the mirror... Sam said... I just want to see what I look like... so that I will know how great the victory that God has done for me when I get my new body.... Satan will not have the victory over me...God will heal me. I was so taken by this that it hit me....this is how we as christians should die....this is how we die well. Satan does not get the victory over our lives...for Sam it was cancer. Each of us has our own battle....we can not give in...or quit. Oh how tempting it is so many times. Especially when we don't see things going our way. But I am so thankful that Sam saw that it wasn't about him...and ultimately not about things going his way...but it was about God and His glory. It was about trusting Him and believing Him till that very last breath.

I can not even tell you all the things that I learned from my very short encounter with Sam...but I can tell you my life is forever changed. My faith forever strengthened like never before....even writing this...I am reminded...and I guess that is why I write...so I have to remember. I desire to honor a dear brother who so loved our God and trusted him with His last breath. I pray so differently now. I am learning not to be afraid to ask more for the impossible....to believe in ways I hadn't before. Not that I don't still struggle because you all know I do..but Sam still comes to my mind. I think so much because...God used his cancer to break some hardened places of my heart....it was honestly hard to think of praying for Sam at first...because every time I had prayed for someone with cancer God had taken them....so I was frustrated a bit with God...but with Sam...because of how he lived...he challenged me to pray big-huge-...to believe with Him for greater things...impossible things. When he passed last Aug 12....it wasn't a death...it was a transition and I know Sam got his healing...and I was not the same person. I am so very thankful for his life. Sam...just like you and me...... had a choice...he turned his life around and gave Christ all He had...he lived and died for the glory of our God. I will never be the same because of that. It's so not about us. He is good...all the time...all the time God is good... and He forever loves us.

If you would like to meet Sam ...you can go to http://www.myspace.com/samiamtheman