The Girl That Traded in Her Running Shoes...

It's been months...and over these months I have traded in my running shoes for barefeet and raw grass.

Wasn't sure how to address such a gap in my blogging.....but it seems the truth is the best response.

I am not a writer, but I'm definitely a communicator of many words. I am insecure in putting all these  many words together to express my heart in written form, but I'm very secure that when I do write, it drives down deep the things of God in my heart.


Running from God

..... that is where I have been the last several years. While running from the things of God, it left nothing of real substinance for me to write about.

Oh, I have run towards many things.....all things that in the end left me empty. A new town, new career, new relationships with men. I have chased after them. Just as Jonah ran the other way... and the prodigal longed for escape...I too thought I could out run God.

Angry.    Bitter.

Those would not have been words I ever thought would define me, but they did. I remember in San Antonio...sitting alone in my one room apartment with all my boxes not even unpacked and with my big mattress on the floor....sitting in the quiet...realizing how very angry I felt. It was starting to ooze out of me. I just couldn't stop it anymore. There were no Christian words that I could muster to change my heart. I would stare at my Bible....knowing where the truth lie...but unable to take hold of it. I thought if I just got away......could pull myself up out of the funk.......a new beginning would mean a new heart.

Oh so wrong.

Somewhere along the way......I just couldn't keep up. I had busied myself with the things of God and forgot how to be the woman in relationship with God. I had questions and doubts. Instead of asking them or expressing them. My pride pushed them down deep. Hoping they would go away. I loved God....my relationship was real....but lacking. It was a list of all the things I had been doing. Just as Satan deceived Eve in the garden....so he deceived me with his age old line....."Did God actually say___?"   Slowly the doubt crept in and my self-righteousness increased. Such a deadly combination.

The one thing I didn't count on in all my running....is that the Triune God truly had me. He would never let me go. Salvation is a sealed and done deal. The Father loves his children, and whom He loves, He disciplines. There is nothing more loving. Just as He was sovereign over a giant fish to swallow Jonah, and the prodical to squander all....so too He allowed me to come to the end of myself.

God brought me low.

I begged God just as Jonah in the belly of the whale....if He would just get me out of this place.....I would go back(Jonah Ch. 2).... I would return just as the prodigal. God heard my cry and rescued me. He brought me out of that place and into a place of rest for 10 months.

There was no job to be found.....there was a room that was not mine, but freely given.... a Bible to be read....a time to follow through on what I had commited. The questions that had been buried were spoken in the open. I don't think I have ever experienced such grace, nor gained a true understanding of what it meant to have nothing, but possess everything I needed.

I immediately tried to get into a woman's Bible study at church. It was full. I was determined. God determined more, so I got in. Sitting in a small circle with those women... I knew I had nothing left to hide. The book of James did not deal lightly with my heart and sin had no place to hide.. it's pages were revealing-illuminating. It's a book that already had a special place in my heart. God knew that.

God finally spoke and I knew that I needed to dive deeper into the mess of my heart. There was still the anger just below the surface. I signed up for our Steps program, a part of the recovery ministry at our church. The study was absolutely life changing.

I will never forget sitting in the class so filled with anger.....and my response to a question was just that. I am so angry and mad at God that I don't even have an answer for this question. I will also never forget a girl named Lo coming up to me after class, and asking me if she could be my friend, and my response is still painful to remember because it was so not like me. I had nothing left to give anyone.

This simple northern girl with the bluest eyes I'd ever seen.... offered to be my friend... and I didn't have to do anything. She offered some shade... a place to come and sit. She lent an ear and a story that resonated with my angry heart. Something broke in me. The gospel is always sweet  like that. Sometimes it takes hearing someone else's broken angry story to realize there is hope. We are not alone. We all have questions, fears, and doubts. She offered a book...The Reason for God by Timothy Keller. I walked away with something I hadn't felt in a very long time..

Hope.

 I found it, the book. It was the last copy in all of Lewisville that day. I devoured it. My heart began to find rest again in truth. As I worked through the gospel each week in class, heard the raw confessions of truth to my left and right. My heart was awakened to all the sin and idolarty upon the alter of self. I came to my senses. God's grace was right there waiting, embracing each cry of repentence. Washing my heart clean.

It has been such a journey, these past three years. I regret the time lost on my selfishness, but know that God has used it to mark me. He has driven His gospel of love and grace down so deep in my heart. There are still places of doubt at times and I am being filled up with His truth. I know to the depths of me that I am sinner in need of the gospel daily. We never arrive as Christians. I have known Christ since I was 3 years old...I will ever be in need of His saving grace till my last breath.

I am currently participating in a Discipleship Program at my church. I am studying the New Testament, Old Testament, and Systematic Theology. I have been so blown away by the grace of this beautiful gospel that I see every morning in my Bible. I am so blessed to walk this road with some very broken and redeemed hearts. I will be sharing my journey here. The things that God reveals to me from class, relationships, and my studies. Hope you might join me.

If you have never put your complete faith and trust in Jesus Christ. I would challenge you today...this evening.....to seek to know more of the Triune God. His great love for you and me.  He sent His one and only Son...to die for us on the cross... to come alive from the dead 3 days later...fulfilling all that is written in the Bible.  He did all this because He loves you and longs for you to know Him. Our sin has broken our relationship with Him....but God has made a way to be reconcilled to Himself...restored...brought back into fellowship with our Creator. 

He desires a relationship with YOU.

 It is only in our brokenness that we see our need....it is in our need that we seek something bigger and greater than ourselves. Look no further than the cross and the resurrection of Jesus Christ...this is THE way to God. No one comes to the Father except through Christ.(John 14:6)  I pray for you, anyone who reads this blog, that you might see glimpses of His love, grace, power, and might in this broken life. Something about this Triune God might woo your affections too, that you might find yourself humbled at His feet.

Grace and peace to you.

All for Him..

Nothing more to give
Nothing left to take
I keep reaching out for you....
Reaching out for you...
As you turn away...

WOW!!!!

I can't believe it has been three years since I have blogged on here!! Well, first things first! Going to read back through my journey and then I will begin where I am now! Excited to be back on! God has done such a amazing things in my life and heart!
SO grateful for His goodness and all He has taken me through!

Jesus Lover Of My Soul..Charles Wesley

Jesus, lover of my soul,
let me to thy bosom fly,
while the nearer waters roll,
while the tempest still is high.
Hide me, O my Savior, hide,
till the storm of life is past;
safe into the haven guide;
O receive my soul at last.

Other refuge have I none,
hangs my helpless soul on thee;
leave, ah! leave me not alone,
still support and comfort me.
All my trust on thee is stayed,
all my help from thee I bring;
cover my defenseless head
with the shadow of thy wing.

Wilt Thou not regard my call?
Wilt Thou not accept my prayer?
Lo! I sink, I faint, I fall-
Lo! on Thee I cast my care;
Reach me out Thy gracious hand!
While I of Thy strength receive,
Hoping against hope I stand,
dying, and behold, I live.

Thou, O Christ, art all I want,
more than all in thee I find;
raise the fallen, cheer the faint,
heal the sick, and lead the blind.
Just and holy is thy name,
I am all unrighteousness;
false and full of sin I am;
thou art full of truth and grace.

Plenteous grace with thee is found,
grace to cover all my sin;
let the healing streams abound,
make and keep me pure within.
Thou of life the fountain art,
freely let me take of thee;
spring thou up within my heart;
rise to all eternity.

Retrieved from "http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Jesus,_Lover_of_My_Soul"

While I Am Waiting....

A friend of mine introduced me to this song...and it's so my heart right now...it's where I'm at for various reasons.
I am so thankful He has taken away my desire to date anyone...I really needed a break from all that. I am thankful... He has replaced it with a desire to help kids. He has shown me more needs than I could ever hope to meet. I want to serve Him and worship Him and I will continue to wait on Him.

Joy is a choice......

I just had this feeling after posting so much about joy...and rejoicing that God might decide to challenge me a bit. I have really been trying my best to choose joy. It's actually been kinda exciting. There is something sweet about this place. ..where I really have nothing to depend on but Christ. Two days after my last post...I lost a job that was definitely sustaining me...and I lost my voice...started getting sick. I realized pretty quickly this is a test to see if I will still rejoice.

I have been listening to a ton of messages by Francis Chan. The last few weeks I have continued to listen to his series on joy. In one of the sermons I was so impressed that he was so real about his struggle with joy. He even admitted that he had chosen a few times that week not to be joyful or rejoice....but instead to worry and even be angry about one situation. I just really appreciated his honesty as a pastor. Of course I was hoping I wouldn't respond "like that" but I'm here to tell you I did.

Initially, I felt hurt by God and then just frustrated. I truly love this place He has me....I am trying so hard to make ends meet...to serve Him....trying to be single minded. I truly want to be a blessing to Him and help the kids He has placed in my life. I just wanted to yell....are we not on the same team here?? Lol…. I really couldn't yell anything....because I had no voice..nor could I cry because I got the news while I was in a classroom working. I did tell God that I needed a few minutes to be human. It just seemed only fair that I get some say in this deal. The next class period I was off and was allowed to leave and get my last paycheck. It was on the drive over that I was convicted and apologized to God for my attitude. I knew it was a test and I was blowing it. I told Him from that moment on...I would choose joy. I would not choose to let this get me down. I would keep doing what He has called me to do and He must come through for me. Instead I would choose to praise Him. I thanked Him for the many good things in my life. It was moments later that...my phone rang and it was the school district… they offered me a second part time job. Wow…that had never happened before--the woman in charge of the Speech Therapy Department had remembered my name and passed it along! When I got back to the office...I was given some more opportunities to work overtime. I was so encouraged, excited, amazed...and reminded how big and yet personal My God is and that He will not let my foot slip.
I have been reading about Moses and the children of Israel...and all the miracles He did before Pharaoh. I have seen how God is the one who moves and works everything around us, so that He might be glorified. The children of Israel would cry out to God even after He had freed them and say it was better before… when they were in bondage. They were not choosing to trust in God and that He had something better for them. So....for whatever reason...God had chosen to free me from this job. I realized…I must trust Him...not grumble and complain. I must have hope and trust that He will not fail me. I am still doing all I can to get the speech assistant job going, along with working the overtime.
It's definitely a bummer that I am sick...and I am pretty sure I got sick from being outside interpreting all the soccer practices and games. This led me to spend Valentine's Day waiting to see the doctor for 3 hours and then sitting in the Wal-Mart pharmacy for another hour...can't say that was fun.... it wasn't....but I am learning about joy. I did find some humor in watching couples and especially men trying to find their last minute Valentine gift. I think at least once it crossed my mind how cool it would be if some stranger just walked up and gave me some kind of Valentine. Hahaha..I knew it would never happen...and it was a silly thought…but it made realize again that my longing for love is real and everyone in there was scrambling about trying to find the perfect gift to express their love. Whether we realize it or not…we have all been given the greatest gift ever...Jesus Christ. Our Father- God couldn’t have expressed His love any greater or given a more expensive gift than His Son...Jesus Christ. I see how much more I need to choose joy...to rejoice in Him and make Him known. He is the only one who can make us whole and fulfill our deepest longings. He sustains us and gives us life. There is nothing else promised..…nothing else greater… than Him.

Rejoice in the Lord Always....

Wow...God is good all the time....I'm just thankful that I see it right now. There have been too many times I haven't. There are so many things that just keep making me laugh lately...and compelling me to give. Some of it has to do with a message I listened to one Sunday while cleaning. It was a challenge by Francis Chan to live out the verse...no the command--"Rejoice in the Lord always....and again I say, Rejoice.(Philp 4:4) His message really impacted me. It was such a great reminder that as a christian...God commands joy of me. He knows all too well that I am but flesh.... and need to be commanded to do this. I feel a bit guilty because I'm in what I would call a "good" place now and... it always seems easier to rejoice when I am in this place. I just pray that I continue with this kind of heart...whatever the circumstances.

I can not express to anyone the kind of joy I have in my heart and in this place. I am so very thankful everyday for my job. It has turned into the greatest opportunity for me to love. The deep kind..that will bring you to the point that it hurts sometimes and I am brought to tears of happiness and sometimes sadness for my precious students. It is the greatest joy I've had in a long time to be an interpreter. I love the challenges and I love my students. I am blown away by their stories and how they have and are overcoming adversity. How blessed I am to know them daily...they teach me much. In many ways I admire them.
Yesterday I was left laughing and in shock over a prank one of my student's pulled....there's nothing like walking over to meet their parent and then as you look over and smile at your student...he finger spells to you..f-o-o-l-e-d you. Only to quickly realize....this dad you have been conversing with is not their dad at all...but some random dad waiting for his son after soccer practice!! Good thing I am a prankster myself so I could absolutely appreciate this. It was the funniest joke someone has played on me in a long while! Well done my friend!
I have found my heart overwhelmed to think of ways to help my students succeed, finding ways to challenge them to rise above where they are at, desperately wanting them to dream big...for some this is the idea of going to college.

I am also nervous and excited to start working as a speech assistant in homes. I love the speech field and know this will be valuable experience. I am eager to learn and pray this will open the doors that I need to be elligible for grad school.
Yes...I have found something I am passionate about. Something that can move me to the core of my being. Something that keeps me day dreaming about how it can be done differently or better. I am so humbled that God would be so gracious to allow me to find it. Yet...this place is not without cost. I have never been so poor and yet so very fulfilled. I have never had nothing to give and yet God provides something for me to give....so I am compelled to give. I cannot claim anything...no nothing.... for it is He who is doing it all. I continue to praise Him for His provision and have seen His hand move to provide...but only what is truly needed. I am finding this looks much different than I thought. I am still in awe of one situation. Thank you dear friend...you know who you are.
So....I pray I will continue to rejoice.....and again He says to me..to us.....Rejoice!